Today I’m here with Melissa, an amazing mom who knows all about the blended family! I talked with Melissa about navigating new relationships, creating a happy environment for her kids, and learning how to become and accept new parents becoming involved in her kids’ lives. Our chat today was great, and Melissa really showed how to be the best parent you can, even with a unique situation. Also on today’s episode, we discuss what it means to be a blended family, and how it really is becoming a new norm for our society. I loved chatting with Melissa, and I hope you enjoy our convo!
Special Guest Melissa Thimot
Melissa is a real estate agent in Victoria BC, a bio mom of one, and a bonus mom of two. She has navigated the difficult situation of splitting up with the father of her child, and maintaining a relationship that creates a great environment for her son. She also talks about the different situations she has with her partner’s ex and her own, and tips for creating a healthy and happy blended family.
In This Episode We Talk About
0:20 – Melissa’s story.
4:03 – Both sides of a divorce – what does each side look like?
9:33 – How long did it take for you to become comfortable with your partner’s ex?
16:17 – How have you been able to mitigate the challenges with your ex?
22:40 – What you can and can’t control.
27:28 – Dealing with an ex who isn’t ready for a good relationship.
38:02 – The special relationship you have with your child.
46:04 – Remembering to be confident in your decisions.
Watch the Video – Co-Parenting
Listen to the Audio
Resource Links
UM Club Waitlist
Melissa’s Instagram
Melissa’s Facebook
Check out Melissa for your realtor needs!
Read the Full Conversation
So, I’d love to hear a little bit of backstory just about how you kind of became a mom, divorced, found your new partner, and all that good stuff.
Yeah, isn’t this a story that we hear a lot these days? So, I was married, and we had a great relationship, and we decided to have a little one. And in 2018, we were blessed with a little boy, we named him Liam. And, you know, life happened after, and things started to deteriorate. And at the end of 2018, an incident did happen, that kind of just was the last straw. And I was blessed with a job at the time where I had a lot of flexibility. And I was able to walk away from that relationship feeling like I was making the right decision for not only myself, but for Liam. I think a lot through those inner nine months, as situations came up – and when you have a child, you start to look at the world a little bit different, you look into relationships different, whether it’s romantic, familial, or friends, and you want to have a healthy world around you for your child. And it just didn’t feel healthy for me, and that was a personal decision. And so I was the one who decided to leave. And then things kind of just really fell into place for me. Six months later, I met my current partner, Eric, and fell in love with his two children. And we started to build a relationship slowly from the beginning, and build that up to what we have now. And I left what I was doing then, and now I’m into real estate, and I’m able to maneuver my work around spending as much time with the kids as possible. So it’s kind of a high level story that we have here.
It’s nice to be able to have a job that offers that flexibility. I’m sure that’s definitely helped throughout all of this.
Yeah, I think that’s a really big hindrance for a lot of women, in particular for leaving a marriage. I mean, I know that’s not specifically what our topic is today. But I do want to say there’s a lot of resources out there, there were a lot of friends that kind of came out of the woodwork that I never expected in terms of helping me through that transition. I was really, really lucky to have a job that allowed me to work around Liam’s schedule, and I felt really comfortable moving to the next part of my journey. I think a lot of women don’t, whether they’re a stay at home mom, or they work 10 hours a day – what do you do with the kids? And I think that we need to recognize when we see that situation with our friends, and just be there to support them and help them to that next step. So I mean, I was very lucky because we didn’t need that type of support. But I know there’s a lot of women who end up staying in marriages because they don’t know how to get out.
Yeah, totally stuck.
Yeah.
So we don’t have to dig too much into the relationships, we can move into the co-parenting. And why I wanted to talk with you is because I think you offer a really great perspective of what kind of two different sides can look like with your co-parenting relationships, with your ex partner and then with your partner’s ex partner. So let’s talk a little bit about that.
Yeah, we are a true blended family, we have two exes. Yeah, I think the relationship I have with my ex is kind of the most unfortunate relationship, it’s one that we see a lot these days. I think when you go through a breakdown of a relationship, you think about when you were younger, when you had no kids – you go through that breakdown of a relationship and you’re hurt. Your ego is hurt, your heart is hurt, your feelings are hurt. And you just cut them off, right? You walk away, and you sort of do a lot of healing. But when you have a child in the mix, you don’t have that opportunity. If you, at the beginning, are sharing the children a lot, you do have time away, but you’re always thinking about when you’re seeing that person again, when you’re seeing the children again. And it’s really, really difficult because you don’t have that time of healing. And I think what happens is people kind of get stuck in that angry, frustrating hurt place. And that’s what they focus on.
And what I have been able to experience is a really weird situation where I have a relationship with an ex where he’s stuck. And I’m not saying that it’s all bad, there’s definitely some fine sort of communication and fine scenarios where we’re able to focus on what needs to be focused on, and then I have another one that focuses solely just on the children. And that’s where that one started, and I saw what could happen if we change our mindset. And that is what I’m really passionate about when I’m talking with friends and family about divorces with children, is that when you are separating from your husband or wife or partner, that every conversation is just about the children, and you fall in love with that relationship, and you create a brand new relationship, leaving the other relationship behind. It’s almost like, you know, your friends, and then you become lovers, right? It was a very different relationship, but there with the same person. And I really do believe that everybody is capable of doing that.
And if you just solely focus on just the children, you can achieve a really productive, and really just lovely relationship, that’s really great for the kids. I mean, we see a lot of positive impacts on my partner’s children that I wish my biological child could experience, and I’m hoping that we can sort of work towards that. As the transitions are easier, dealing with behavioral stuff is a lot easier. And even just dealing with – I mean, my kids are young, but you know, take away a TV the last day that you’re with the parent, the other parent picks up kind of where they are going, right? And I think a lot of separations miss that, and the only people that really are impacted by it – I mean, we’re adults, we can deal with our frustrations, and we can talk to our friends. But the children are growing up, as someone explained to me, in a parallel parenting world. And we don’t know what that impact on those children is going to be because they’re getting completely different rules, completely different households, completely different styles of parenting, with no bridge.
And it’s never going to be perfect. I mean, even my partner’s ex parents differently than we do. But we work together to sort of get those key fundamental values to be the same. We try to use the same words, like when we’re dealing with our oldest. He was going through some transition behaviorally, until we started using the word kind – use kind words, kind body, kind mind, those sorts of things, and making that consistent across the board. And I think just little things like that will make a huge difference. And I don’t care how mad you guys are at each other. If you pick up the phone and say, “hey, we’re dealing with something, let’s use the word kind.” What does that have to do with your personal relationship with the other person. And it makes a big impact, and I’m getting to see both sides of it in one house.
Yeah, I can really see how that’s helpful. Just carrying on those things from one house to the other house. My parents divorced when I was seven, and it wasn’t the best. I think they did all right, and there was some continuation, but there was also like, “oh, we’re going to this house. Now we can kind of do what we want.” And so there’s definitely that disconnect. Now, I’m curious, do you – and this is kind of with your partner’s ex – but was it a long road to get to this point? Because I imagine there still needs to be that healing time. Or were they able to kind of do this somewhat from the get go?
Yeah, I mean, I think it was a longer road for her because it was my partner who decided to leave. Or at least take those first steps, talking to them separately now, they’re so grateful. And they say they have one of the best relationships they’ve ever, maybe not ever had, but have had in a long time. And yeah, I think when they just started, all their conversations were just about the kids. And just really focusing on making sure that they were happy, they were comfortable, they had what they needed, and really just disconnecting everything else. And that does take time, I know at one point my partner went over and chatted with her, and I think they almost had a three hour conversation about what happened. And I think that was really healing, to be able to sit in a room and just listen and openly talk respectfully to each other about the breakdown.
Now, for them, it happened very quickly. I don’t think that that’s realistic for all relationships and scenarios. But I do think that, if you’re going to be in each other’s lives because of the children, having that open conversation – you don’t have to walk away agreeing with each other, but just being able to have some closure, I think, is really important. And then all conversations being productive conversations about the children, and deciding what the expectations were right from the get go. When I first started dating my partner, he said, “this is our vision, my ex and I talked about what we want, and we want to have this type of relationship with each other’s current partners.” You know, where we can share birthdays, where the kids don’t have two birthdays, where they don’t have two Christmases, or they don’t have two Easters or Thanksgivings, stuff like that. I don’t necessarily think that that’s achievable or even like, maybe people even want to spend time with each other’s families after a breakdown. But I do think fundamentally they were really clear at what kind of relationship they were working towards. And I think recognizing that, and understanding what that relationship is going to look like in the future, you can take steps through that healing process, through that beginning stage, to reach that goal.
Yeah, it sounds like, what’s kind of been helpful is being able to separate it, keep the focus on the kids, but also, separately away from that giving space to kind of heal and mend the relationship a little bit. Because if you just kind of push it to the side, I feel like it’s hard to keep going and keep that focus when you have that little bit pulling you down.
Yeah, and I mean, talking about it now, I’m thinking about what my ex and I did – we didn’t really have those conversations. We just were angry and frustrated and sad, and didn’t do anything about it. And so now we’re in a position, two years later, where… How do you get to that point, where you can have a really productive relationship? And I think we missed the mark, and I think a lot of people miss the mark at that, and say “what kind of co-parent do we want to be?”
And I think we really need to distinguish co-parenting from parallel parenting. And too many children live in parallel parenting, and it makes me nervous. I don’t know what the impacts of that can be, but there’s going to be an impact. Even when we were younger, divorce was not as prevalent or at least not in the younger ages. You know, we definitely saw – you know, your parents divorced at seven. We saw it in the later years. But I had a friend, we must have been in grade three or four, and their parents divorced. And instantly it was about “what can I buy her more? What can I do for her more? How can I make her like me or love me more?” And it was that kind of relationship. And I think because we’re seeing divorces happen much younger in children’s lives, we’re not going to see those types of relationships at the beginning. And I think we’ve got an opportunity here to say, “why are we divorcing younger, when our children are younger?” Because we’re recognizing and being able to stand on our feet, and wanting to be happy. We want to be happy in our job, being happy in our home life, our children’s lives, our friends lives, our romantic lives, and saying, “okay, if we’re gonna do it this young, we’re not gonna have that kind of type of relationship with the kids where, to your one or two year old being like, “oh, can I buy you more?” I mean, they love you unconditionally. It doesn’t matter if you’re buying something that’s $10,000, or something that’s $10. You know, they don’t know the difference. So we can really just focus on our relationships as parents, and how we interact with the kids.
What would you say – ‘cause I love the one side of it, it sounds great. But I think a lot of people are kind of having challenges with the other side of it. So I’m interested to hear kind of what some challenges are, in some ways, that you’ve been able to kind of mitigate them or make the best of them that other people might find helpful.
Oh, that’s a toughy!
Yeah, I can imagine it being really challenging when it’s this whole other person, this whole other household, and you really have to let go of control. And you don’t know what’s going on. Like, that must have been really hard to deal with at the beginning.
Yeah, I think you completely hit the nail on the head with that one. Yeah, that’s another layer of frustration, right on top of everything else, is that now you have this child that you see everyday, you know, all their milestones, everything we work towards, everything from crawling, walking, potty training, speaking, all these sort of things. And you might miss out on the first, right? And especially when you have that type of relationship with your ex, you don’t get to be a part of it. And, yeah, that was really, really difficult. But I think I chose to focus on the fact of why I decided to do this. And all my decisions were just based on Liam.
And through every scenario that sort of unfolded in the last few months, and if Liam ever came to me and said, “why didn’t you work harder at this relationship? Why didn’t you stay?” Or “why are you not still with this person?” Then I would be able to look them in the eye and say, “I did do everything that I felt I could,” and I can feel confident about that. And because of that, because I really made peace with that part, I was able to focus on that.
But don’t get me wrong. I mean, two and a half, two years later, however long. I still look at my friends who get their kids every single day and I get hurt, and I want to be a part of it. And our oldest is going to kindergarten this year. And so I’m fast-forwarding in my calendar, being like “will I have Liam on his first day of kindergarten? What is that going to look like, am I going to be able to be a part of it? And if I am, am I going to be okay with it? Or should I just show up at school?” I go through these scenarios. But yeah, I think it’s just about knowing that when he’s in my care, he’s getting the best version of me, because I’m in a much healthier, happier place, that I’m able to be the best mom for him. So when he deals with anything, whether it’s behavioral issues at this point, or relationship issues in the future, I’m able to be clear headed and calm. You think about your mom and her great advice – I feel like I wouldn’t be able to give great advice, and now I just feel like I’m in a much stronger place. And I’m able to be a better person, a better role model for him. And so I just have to remind myself.
And there’s pros and cons. Don’t get me wrong, like co-parenting or split parenting. We have no kids fifty percent of the time! You know, there’s pros to it, right? And sometimes I just need to be like, “okay, on a Thursday night, I can go to a restaurant, I don’t need to worry about a babysitter.” Because we have no children on that day ever, =unless somebody is away or whatever. But it’s kind of a weird life that we live that, you know, you just have to start to enjoy and say, “okay, I get my kids a lot of time, but I also get to live a non-kid life.” When they’re having hard days I go,” when are they going to leave?” But then when they leave you go, “come back, come back.”
But yeah, sorry, I think I kind of went off there. But you know, I have talked to some of my mom friends that do have children all the time about how they don’t think they could do that, they don’t think they could be without their child. And then I sit there and I say, “yes, you can. You’re strong enough, and you would adapt.” I know you can’t think of it now, because you’re not in that position. But you can, and you will start to enjoy that time, because when you do have the kids, you’re more focused. So I do all my grocery shopping, all my food prep, I do all the cleaning. I do anything like that, any clothes shopping I need to do for them, pressing, organizing the house, when they’re not here. Whereas if you have them every day, you’re gonna be trying to get the house clean, you have the kids you’re trying to organize, or prep them for school, and the kids are at your feet. And so we don’t have that, we really try to make sure that when they are here, they get one hundred percent of us. And that makes the time without them a little bit easier. Because we know that splitting it fifty-fifty one hundred percent of the time, they get one hundred percent, each fifty percent of the time.
It’s just really about the mind set. And yeah, you can focus on all those things you’re missing out on that you can’t control. But you can flip that and think of all the stuff you’re giving them, the better version of you at that full one hundred percent, it’s a little bit easier to kind of deal with all that other stuff.
Absolutely.
Yeah. That was so good. Sorry, I was so into that!
Should I just keep rambling? There’s so much I want to say!
Yes! Yes, ramble on. It’s such an interesting time. And I feel like once you have kids, your whole world changes. And so it changes your priorities, it changes what you want out of life and in relationships. And that newborn stage is so hard. I feel like it really either makes or breaks a relationship. And it’s like, yeah, we’re coming out stronger than this. Or it’s like, no, this isn’t what I want. We’re gonna go for something else. And I love that there’s so many options and that there’s so many different versions of it right now.
Yeah. With our oldest going to kindergarten, we sat down with him recently, and just kind of really talked to him, because he would have been three when my partner and I got together and this started to form. And, you know, he has some memories of my partner and his ex together. But they are starting to become a little bit more distant. And so just talking to him about, you know, there are going to be children that have two parents, that were originally their parents, and you’re going to have separated and they have new partners. We kind of really talked about the different dynamics of what those are going to look like for him because, I mean, yes, he was in preschool, but I think they dive deeper and he’s going to be sitting with you twenty five or thirty children and really learning about what their dynamics are as they talk family relations and so forth. And his eyes got so big. And I mean, he is starting to ask questions about my ex, like “when do I get to go to that house” because my son gets to go to his house.
Our exes – you know, we definitely have a very unique situation where my partner’s ex has taken in Liam and loves him. And because my partner and I are both in real estate, there are times where we just need a little bit of help, a little bit of time, especially with the market being the way it is right now.
Your weekends must get busy, I can imagine.
Yeah, and we do try to make sure that we schedule so one of us is with the kids at all times, but there have been times where there’s been a bit of an overlap, and his ex has been able to step in and just really taken Liam in as a family member.
And so sometimes he’ll ask me “when do I get to go to (my exes) house?” You know, it’s hard to really talk about that. Because if we had that relationship with both sides, then it would be easy for him to understand. But we don’t. And I don’t know how to answer that question.
Yeah, that’s a little bit tricky.
Yeah, we’re definitely getting into the trickier ages, where they are asking tough questions, and we really need to figure out how to talk about it in a really healthy way. And for them to understand without my feelings or anybody else’s feeling getting into the mix. Because ultimately, they need to figure out their own feelings about the situation. And they will figure it out. And me imposing my feelings on them is just gonna confuse them.
Yeah, that’s not gonna help. We don’t need to put our stuff on them.
No.
I’m sorry, it might be because it’s six thirty in the morning, my brain is not working quite as quickly as it normally does for these. I’ll get that coffee in me. I’m curious if you have any idea – because again, I feel like a lot of people are on the one side that’s a bit more tumultuous – but I would love to bridge it to the other side, which I’m sure you would love as well. But it’s hard when that other person is not receptive to that. Are there any kind of things that have helped a little bit in that situation? Or different ways you’re kind of hoping to try to bridge things a bit?
Yeah, I definitely try to talk to my ex about the level of communication we have on the other side, and the positive impacts that it’s having on the other kids, and sort of my hope for what we have, and what I hope we will have, for Liam’s sake. I think it really just takes two to tango. Really, ultimately. And I think what relationship we have on that side is very normal, right? And people see in society what relationships should be. And I don’t know, maybe it’s consciously or unconsciously, they kind of just direct and connect, right? And kind of get comfortable in that type of relationship.
I think what we have on the other side is not common, and I’d like to see it become more common. Because we do live in a world where you know, it’s fifty percent divorces, right? And instead of making that a negative thing, making that more positive and making it a more positive experience. I know the actual divorce side and the relationship side, that’s a completely different topic, but in terms of the transition for the kids I think it’s really important to just stay focused on the kids. And, you know, I just try to communicate “this is what I hope, this is what I dream, this is what I’d like to work towards.” And at this point it’s not being received. And maybe it is kind of getting in like little bread crumbs. And I do think that what we have with my partner’s ex is not achievable. And I think being realistic about what you want, right? And, you know, just knowing my ex’s personality and who he is, and respecting that that’s who he is and he’s not going to change for me, or for this scenario, he’s just going to be who he is. And this is who I am and being confident in who those two people are and being realistic about what that relationship can look like.
I will say that he is a great dad. And when we were together, we never had any or many issues with how to raise a child, like when we talked about what our values were and what we wanted to put in, and how to raise a child. So I do think that hopefully, we can work towards that. I definitely think reaching out to professionals, counselors – I’ve talked to a counselor about how to get a way to communicate to him in a way that he’ll receive it. And hopefully, over time, it’ll slowly change. I think as Liam gets older, that will also help. Because he will be able to communicate and talk about the other situation a little bit more, and maybe coming from Liam might help sort of move that relationship to sort of a little bit more of a productive relationship. Or not!
Yeah, see what happens, but that would be talking about experiences and things like that.
Yeah. I guess something else I want to talk about, and that kind of rolls into it, is sort of the labels of Mom and Dad. You know, we’ve definitely had – I think when we have children, we’re really excited to be a mom or dad or whatever, right? And when another partner comes into the mix, who is that person to the child? And because of our scenario, it’s very easy for my biological son to call my current partner dad. And I think a lot of people go “oh, oh, no, you can’t do that.” How do you tell a two year old, that has two other children in the house, that they can’t call the person that the other two are calling that name?
And I think we need to remember when we’re transitioning into that sort of relationship is that we communicate with the ex, and I definitely know that I missed the mark about saying, “hey, this is what’s happening,” and I think feelings got hurt. And we did try to get him to call my current partner something else, but it just doesn’t stick, because he’s got two other children in his world fifty percent of the time calling him that name. And you know, the way we have decided to run our household is very much like ‘we’re parents.” And even his kids call me mama, or mama Melissa. And I think adding the name helps, so that’s kind of what we’re transitioning to. So like, “daddy this person,” or “mama this person,” because they are essentially a mother figure or a father figure. And I think we as a society are okay with calling people aunties and uncles, even if they’re not actually aunties and uncles. I think we need to kind of get over the fact that nobody’s gonna replace a biological mom or dad. When he says mama – he actually calls my partner’s ex mama. But the way he says it is so much different than the way he says it to me. And that’s because we’ve got that connection, he’s biologically my child. I think as a society, we need to just get over the fact that there’s going to be mommies and daddies and that it’s good for them to have two dads, two moms.
That’s what I was thinking, it’s pretty incredible that they have all of these great parental role models in their life.
Yeah, you know, I think about when I was younger, and when I needed to deal with some adolescent issues – I didn’t go to my parents, I went to my aunt. And to be able to have a family that’s big enough to choose different people to go to. I’d rather him go to one of us, right? Or his endless grandparents, I think he’s got eight!
I can imagine, because my kids have four sets.
Yeah!And so I think what I’d like to see, besides having healthier relationships, is for us to let go of that, because that’s a you issue, not a kid issue. And recognizing what’s a you issue, what hurts your feelings, and what’s productive for that child.
That’s a great point, what’s a you issue and what’s a kid issue.
Yeah, because it truly is. Again, talking about a friend of mine who is still with her husband who is the father of her child, she’s like, “oh, I couldn’t have my son call someone else mom.” And I said, “you know, I understand, I was definitely not comfortable at the beginning. But that’s a you issue. Wouldn’t you want them to have that connection with somebody? They’re not replacing you.” And they can try hard but there is something very deep about a biological connection when you have it, there’s just something different. Even in our household where the kids are the same, they get treated the same, the same rules apply, I’m as much of an authority figure as my partner. Naturally, the kids go to their biological parent. And it’s not because I’m not attentive, or he’s not attentive, or he’s not there in trying to be available for Liam, or I’m not available. No, no, we are as united as if these are all our children. That would have been a busy couple of years! But it’s having that fluidity, but also understanding that there is a different connection.
Yeah, and having confidence in your own bond with your child, and knowing that that itself is different and special.
And it’s amazing how – maybe not encouraging, I think we definitely encourage it because we’re more comfortable with it, but being supportive of your child having that type of relationship with somebody else, how amazing that could be. And I definitely think there are scenarios that those relationships aren’t all productive. And, yeah, okay, maybe there is a point where you need to step in. But I think for the most part, people just care about children, and making sure they’re happy and healthy and have what they need. And let’s support those relationships. We definitely are struggling with that on our side, my side, and it creates confusion and frustration. And thank goodness my partner is confident and secure. But there are times where there is strain between them because of hurt feelings on the other side. And I think it’s really important that that’s a you issue, not a kid issue.
And it’s great that your partner and other current partners in those situations can also look at it from that point, and try not to take those things personally, and know that it’s a them issue and to try and not let it impact the relationship with the kids.
Yeah, it’s hard. It really is hard. You know, I’ve always been somebody who loves to be around kids and surround myself with kids. I used to teach swimming lessons and stuff like that – I really loved being around children. And you know, when you’re sitting there and you’re trying to console a child, and they don’t want you, they want someone else, they want their biological mom, and you’re like “but I’m like your second mom, I’m here to support you, I’m right here.” It’s hard.
I had that happen with one of my kids and their grandma, because they’re very lucky to have very involved grandparents. And it was when he was upset, said how they wanted their grandma. I’m like, “no, you’re supposed to want me right now. This is not okay.” But again, that’s a me issue, and to just love and support them, but it’s hard!
In the moment, you’re like, “oh my god, am I not good enough? What do I do? Am I not attentive enough?” And then you go through this list of like, “I’m not worthy, I’m not able to do this, why am I not the one they want,”but then to sit back and be like, “wow, they have this great relationship with grandma,” like how lucky they are to be that connected and that you’ve been able to create a world that they do want to be comforted by somebody and to have someone else to comfort them. I think we really moved away from the concept of it takes a village to raise a child, but I do think that on top of it, especially with divorce rates and blended families becoming normal, that really creating those support systems, whether they’re family or friends or whatever, to actually come together and raise these children together. And I think that it will create very balanced children, because everybody has different ways of explaining things; it allows them to have different views of the world. Because I’m sure your parents or even your partner’s parents have a different view on different topics that are not necessarily your views. And I think it’s important for kids to learn the differences, because when they go out into the world they’ll be able to understand and make a decision on where they fall,
Yeah, they’ll be able to have different viewpoints and different things like that.
Yeah, and I don’t think it’s a bad thing, I think it’s actually a great thing. You know, I look at my ex, and let’s talk positive about that situation – he’s really into camping, he’s really into hiking, and even to this day, my son does better when he’s on uneven ground. I mean, as a baby he was hiking; on flat ground, he practically trips over his shadow. The amount of bails he’s had on flat ground, it’s quite comical. But you put him on a mountain, and he’s hiking, he’s gone, and that is not because of me. He’s been able to have this experience, he’s able to kind of expand his horizons – I’m not a big hiker, I’m not a big camper. I do a little bit, but not necessarily the way that he would do it. And I do think that that’s amazing. You know, he’s going to be introduced to things that I wouldn’t introduce him to, because I’m not interested in that. And on the flip side, he’s gonna be introduced to things that I like. I do a lot of arts and crafts, and we do other things, right? And so he’s getting a well rounded experience, life experience.
Yeah, and that’s something to kind of focus on again, is all of those actual opportunities and experiences that this kind of situation is able to provide for him?\. And kind of focusing on those things when you’re dealing with the challenges.
Yeah, and I think that’s really what it is. We talk a lot about self improvement, self care, self this and that. And that’s also applying those same skills to yourself as to others, giving them grace, giving them space in whatever they need, and kind of recognizing that those people are not going to be the people that you want them to be, and just meeting them where they are and hopefully, as time goes on, you can work towards something that’s way more productive.
Yeah, I think that’s really helpful, is to just recognize that they are who they are, you’re not going to change that. So we can keep fighting and butting heads, or can I just accept this and look at better ways to communicate and deal with it?
Yeah, and it’s so – it’s really easy to say. We can sit here and talk about it, but it is really, really difficult. And, you know, there’s a lot of things that I think about over the last couple of years that I wish I did better. Taking responsibility for your part in creating the current situation, and hopefully being able to learn from it and apply other ways of doing it.
That’s all you can really do, no one’s gonna do everything just right. It’s just “okay, well, how can I kind of do this better next time and own up for things when I need to?”
Yeah.
Okay, we’re coming up to time. Is there anything else you want to add before I let you go and get on with your day?
Yeah. Oh my gosh, yeah, that went really fast! I was like “whoa, forty-five minutes is a long time!” Yeah, I think if you’re going through a situation right now, you’re on the other side of a situation right now, that’s not ideal, I think just reminding yourself to be confident in the decisions that you’ve made. Whether you’ve left a partner, or if they’ve left you, to sort of taking steps to make sure you’re in a really good place, and to be the best version of yourself for your child. And making every decision, every communication with your ex, about that, not about your feelings, your hurt. That’s why they invented wine, and girlfriends. You need to do what you need to do away from that, so get some coffee or go for a walk or do whatever. You deal with the breakdown of the relationship outside of that relationship. Like just always remind yourself, pre-children, if you went through a breakup, how would you deal with it? How would you go through those sort of levels of grief, anger, frustration, acceptance. Deal with that outside of the communication with your partner, because nothing productive comes of it. And hopefully, at some point, you guys can come together and have that conversation. But you might not be able to, you might not have that closure. But if you can just continue to only have conversations about your children and be productive on raising your children, that I think will create positive relationships with your ex. They don’t have to be as good as our relationship on my partner’s side. Because that’s, I think, not attainable for a lot of people. But I do think there’s a halfway in between that will be just as great for the children.
Yeah, having that open communication like you said, if you can kind of transition from the parallel parenting into co-parenting, it really makes a positive impact on the kids.
Oh, absolutely. Yeah.
Are there any resources that you found particularly helpful in navigating all of this that might help others?
No, actually! I mean, I think I wouldn’t have known much better if I hadn’t gotten into a relationship with my current partner. I think I would have navigated the other relationship thinking that that was just the way that it should and can be. And I mean, I definitely know of other partners that have better relationships, but to have it so good on one side, and not as great on the other side, I think has made me step back and sort of reflect on “okay, how did we get to this point with my partner’s ex? How did we get to the point where we can enjoy each other’s company and the kids feel like they can go back and forth with ease?” Opposed to the other side, right? So, I think I would like to find some more resources, but I think for us, it was just trial and error. And just allowing that other relationship to grow organically with my partner’s ex. And I mean, we’ve got a great relationship, our communication’s fantastic- don’t get me wrong, we disagree on a lot of things, but we are able to communicate and have those conversations and talk through them. Then it’s just applying what we’ve done on one side to the other. And I think that’s kind of what I want people to get out of this conversation, is to look at, “okay, how do we reach a productive point?” And I say that a lot, but I really do think it’s not about having a good relationship, because that creates expectations, I think we need productive. Wanting to raise our children almost like you’re as one. But in a way that they feel like they are not going to two different worlds.
More of a continuation, other than very separated.
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, well thank you so much for talking with me, I think it’s really interesting to see kind of the different sides, and how you can kind of navigate it and hopefully apply some things from one to the other. Can people reach out to you if they have any questions?
Yeah, absolutely. I mean, you can check out my Instagram, I think you can tag me in that. Yeah, reach out to my Instagram page, Facebook. I mean, I’m a real estate agent so my phone number’s everywhere!
Give me your shameless plug. Tell us what you can do if anyone’s interested in local real estate.
Right? I mean, if you’re buying or selling – I’m just kidding!
No go for it!
I think really, yeah, reach out to me, I’m happy to share my story. I mean, obviously, on this platform, I’m not going to go into the nitty gritty of it. But I’m not in a place where I’m trying to hide anything, I’m happy to have a conversation and get into the nitty gritty and talk to people about sort of exactly what’s going on. And in obviously a very respectful way for my relationships with these people; I haven’t named them for that reason. But I do think that it’s important for us to share. And if you want to continue to have this conversation, please reach out, I’m happy to continue to talk and, you know, I’m not an expert at it, I’m just going through it, and I think that has worked a lot. And what we’ve gone through and how we’ve gotten to here might not exactly apply, but there might be aspects of our journey that you can apply to your situation, and get to that relationship with your ex where you feel that you’re able to communicate and be able to raise your children together in a way that is productive for the children. Ultimately it comes back to them, it doesn’t matter about our relationship and how we feel about each other. It’s just about them. And if we just continuously focus on them, I think that ultimately will be for the benefits of the children.
Well, thank you. I will include your Instagram for anyone that wants to reach out and I really appreciate you taking the time to chat with me today.
Yeah, thanks for having me!
Another episode done! I loved chatting with Melissa, she has so much good information and experience dealing with becoming a blended family. Make sure to check out Melissa’s Instagram if you want to chat more with her, and as always make sure to come join our UM Club Hangout on Thursday! We’ll be chatting more with Melissa and other moms going through similar experiences, and we can’t wait to see you there!
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