As moms, we can forget that we’re also women, who have our own needs wants, and desires – and that includes embracing our sexuality. Today we’re talking to Katie Roberts from Clit Talk about sexual desire, and how to figure out what we want and communicate that to our partners. Not only is desire something we don’t really talk about, we can suppress it under all of the stress and mental load of motherhood, which can make it hard to identify and embrace.
Through chatting with Katie, we’re going to learn how to tap into desires, figure out what our desires really are, and be motivated to embrace them! Figuring out our desires goes beyond just the sexual aspect – it’s how we realize what our needs are, and what we want in every aspect of our life. Learning what we want and need is going to help make our lives more fulfilling, and I’m so happy that we’re going to explore this together!
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Guest Expert – Katie Roberts from Clit Talk
Katie Roberts is the Creator and Executive Producer of the top-rated sexuality podcast Clit Talk. As a Registered Nurse, Reiki Master, Certified Communication Coach and over a decade working in the entertainment industry, she brings science and sexuality to the forefront. As a mama of a two year old and another in the near future, she’s passionate to teach parents how they can still have their life revolve around their pleasure. She’s committed to inspire and teach ALL people to better respect and understand their bodies then deepen connections with ourselves and partners. In Clit Talk’s Sex & Empowerment Signature Masterclass, she helps pleasure seekers to go from feeling held back and fuckstrated to feeling like a badass bitch, and experience full self-expression, freedom in communication, and sexual liberation.
Clit Talk is hosting a Pleasure Positive Cyber Date on February 12th from 5 – 7 pm PST. This is a 2 hour live event on Zoom where you will experience a few of our sexiest techniques for igniting intimacy, including erotic sensual talk, food play, and desire mapping. Plus, a Q&A hang with the hosts of Clit Talk. Receive 50% off with code CLITTALK
In This Episode We Talk About
00:29 – Who is Katie Roberts?
05:18 – What is sex positive monogamy?
11:24 – How to tap into our desires.
17:09 – Why community is so important.
22:23 – Figuring out ways to further your desires.
30:08 – What is edging?
32:00 – Opening a conversation with your partner about your desires.
40:15 – Final tips from Katie!
Watch the Video
Listen to the Audio
Join the UM Club!
Clit Talk Website
Clit Talk – Dick Whispering
Clit Talk – Erotic Sensual Talk with Mikey B
Clit Talk Cliff Notes | Free Audio Trainings
Brene Brown – Shame
Cam Fraser – Sex Coach for men
Love Your Body Love Yourself
Pussy: A Reclamation
GPS – great pussy in the sky
Sex, Love and goop – Erotic blueprint chart
Read the Full Conversation
Hello and welcome to another episode inside the Unapologetic Moms Club. I am so excited to have Katie Roberts here from Clit Talk to talk all about sex positive monogamy. So welcome, Katie!
Thank you so much for having me. I’m really happy to be here. Community when you’re a mother is everything, and virtual has been a lot more easier to manage as a new mom myself.
Absolutely. With the hard schedules and kids crawling around you, it’s nice to be able to access that sense of community virtually. So let’s hear a little bit more about you.
Hello, everyone. I am Katie Roberts, I’m from Cleveland, Ohio. I am a registered nurse, and a certified Communication Coach. I’m also a Reiki Master. And I’ve worked in the entertainment industry for over a decade in various avenues, mostly Medical Television. And I now have been led to hosting a top rated sexuality podcast called Clit Talk. And we have done over 200 episodes and have now launched our sex and empowerment courses.
I never thought I’d be doing anything like this, talking about anything taboo like this. I grew up Catholic. And, you know, all of this started as a personal journey for me, and I’m just so privileged and grateful that I now have the opportunity to give it all back. Because it’s completely transformed my life, this conversation of demystifying sacks and taboo and being able to talk about it, and being empowered in my communication around it, and empowering other men and women and couples to do it as well. And throuples, you know, whatever you’re into. So I’m really happy to be here, so thank you for having me.
Yeah, thank you for coming and reaching out to me, I really enjoyed listening to Clit Talk. I found it so refreshing to hear you and your other co-hosts just naturally talk about sex in all different areas, sex parties, different kinds of relationships, and it’s just out there. Normal conversation is so refreshing, because we really need more of that. And that’s how we can learn more about what’s out there, learn more about ourselves. And like you said, that’s the path of self discovery. It’s really nice.
Yeah, we always like to say, “one man’s too taboo is another man’s Tuesday.” So we really cover the gamut. I am the monogamous one out of the three hosts on the show, and we kind of run the gamut. Lindsay’s kind of in the middle of the Kinsey scale, and Sugar, also known as Madison, is in an ethical non-monogamous marriage. And she actually opened her marriage – she’s a bisexual woman who was in a monogamous marriage. And they opened their marriage throughout the show.
Really successfully and beautifully. And I had – I know we want to talk about this – I had a lot of judgment. I never really knew much about polyamory, I didn’t really have any conversations around it other than like, “oh, it’s weird, people who are like sex freaks or whatever,” which is not the case. And I was afraid she was going to ruin her marriage and all of these things. And that’s where I really kind of started coining sex positive monogamy, because ethical non-monogamy is such another world. And I think pleasure can exist in both realms, right?
Absolutely, I found it really interesting. One of our first interviews was about a swinger lifestyle. And for me, it’s kind of more out there, right? Like, how do you do that? But after having the conversation with her and talking to her about it, it’s like, “oh, that actually seems so normal.” And it’s really your approach to it, and it’s about you and your partner or partners. And it’s so respectful and you have the boundaries, and it just seems so normal and approachable. And so if that is something you’re interested in, there are ways of going about it that aren’t necessarily so scary, or you don’t need to be freaked out by the idea of it.
Well, and the more we talked about it on the show, the more normal it became, just like anything when you talk about it. But I really started to just see the parallels between the two. It’s like, yes, consent, boundaries, fantasies, tapping into desires, making sure your needs are met. Those are all things whether you’re monogamous or non-monogamous. So there’s a lot of parallels to all of it. It’s just a matter of what structure you’re having sex in, basically.
Yeah, absolutely. So let’s dive right into it. What is sex positive monogamy?
So sex positive monogamy to me – so monogamy, first, is staying sexually exclusive with one partner. And in our current culture, which is the patriarchal world culture, it’s mostly expected and assumed, right? And as we already just discussed this, it’s not really the case, and it doesn’t have to be. But in monogamy, there’s all these like, ball and chain, there’s no mystery, there’s no excitement. You have to have the bachelor party because you’re never gonna fuck another woman for the rest of your life. There’s all this negative connotation around it.
So sex positive monogamy is really reigniting and keeping that flame really going. And you can still explore and be kinky and freaky in a monogamous relationship. I guess you could call it my claim to fame (not really), but one of my main stories is – I started Clit Talk, I never wanted any kids, I was a 30 year-old woman who had never masturbated. before. I didn’t know that women masturbated, I thought sex was mostly for a man’s pleasure. And I never really enjoyed sex, but I would do it more out of duty and a thing to do; I’d be thinking about my grocery list and what I needed to do next. And it wasn’t really until I started getting curious and vulnerable about why I felt that way. And why so many women that I talked to felt that way, in their monogamous marriages.
And then I started really taking on the practice of tapping into my desires. So first of all, my needs aren’t being met. And if your needs aren’t being met, there’s no room to tap into desire. And beyond desire is fantasy, right? So in the realm of sex, and really starting to explore. So I’m just really a bold stan that monogamy is sexy, and it can be.
And, you know, you look at these divorce rates and people cheating, and all of this stuff that is not empowering. And then I look at the women in our courses and my own life, and how I could have really headed down that path of the marriage is not working out, instead of really looking at myself and seeing what was missing in my sex life or in my intimate life with myself. So that was really my journey to discovering and coining the term sex positive monogamy, is because I didn’t experience any freedom to communicate about sex in my marriage. And then I, you know, have done a lot of work with Clit Talk, interviewed over 200 people, and have a community of women that now see that as a possibility for themselves, which is really incredible.
Yeah, I love that, because you’re so right, so many people are in marriages, enter marriages, and it’s thought of as your duty, a woman’s duty for the husband, or it’s just something that you do but you don’t necessarily talk about it. And it’s like, “oh, he wants to, okay, I’ll get this, I’ll do it.” But it’s so much more empowering when you can find out your desires and really build that connection. I find when you’re moving towards that sex positive monogamous journey, or just sex positivity in general, and learning your desires and really owning it, it builds your confidence and your pleasure and so many different things.
Absolutely, absolutely. So, you know, self pleasure is self love. And masturbation is a health conversation. So that was really like where I started, was at ground zero, basically building that. Because at Clit Talk, we have a firm belief that if you’re not experiencing pleasure in your relationship or in your life, it’s actually not anyone’s responsibility to give you pleasure, except for yourself.
So I had no idea what I wanted. My husband wasn’t empowered as my lover because I wasn’t able to communicate anything that would help him give me what I want. Because all he wants to do is give me what I want, right? And coming to that realization and then starting to explore and really develop a masturbation practice, a self pleasure practice, and explore in that realm, was a really, I would say, deep emotional experience at the beginning, because what I didn’t know was there was all this shame and trauma that I think everyone, men and women, all carry, but I wasn’t like abused, it was just regular stuff that we all carry. And then it runs up the gamut from there for survivors of sexual abuse and all of that. So really getting tapped into what you want. And you being able to please yourself, me being able to please myself, before I could enter any sort of conversation of my husband being able to please me. So really taking on that it’s my responsibility. So what am I going to do?
Yeah, I had a similar experience, I didn’t masturbate, I didn’t try a vibrator until within the last year and a bit, for the first time, so very similar to you, in my 30s, and hadn’t explored that. And to be honest, I can’t remember exactly what spurred it. But I know that exploring that with myself opened the gate, and everything came from there. And it’s really interesting how self pleasure can go down the road, and how it can really strengthen the connection you have with your partner. But it’s really being in tune with yourself first.
So that goes into our next area, how do we tap into our deepest desires? How do we find out what we truly desire? And what brings us pleasure? And what we want?
That’s a really great question, because it’s individual to each person, right? But I always look at first, are your needs being met? Is your life working in a way where your needs are generally met? Or are they not? Because if they’re not, that’s where you want to start.
So in our sex and empowerment signature masterclass, what we really teach is desire mapping. And we do a whole seven week course on teaching people how to do this and how we do it, and how we’ve done it for years. So really, in the beginning, it’s kind of what I was talking about before, having a pleasure practice. Getting keen on what brings you pleasure, clearing out and starting to listen to your pussy, to your sex, if you’re a man, right? Just listening to your sex and starting to let that guide you, because the goal of desire mapping is to have what you want, have what your desires are, be able to write them out in a way where it’s measurable, so that you can actually stand in the accomplishments at the end of whatever timeframe – we give timeframes and stuff, so of like when you’re going to achieve your desires.
So tapping into them is sometimes the entire desire roadmapping, really allowing yourself to explore and try that thing that – I never would have gone to a sex party in my entire life. I literally went, and I’ve only gone to one, and I got pregnant there, which is the best thing that’s ever happened to me.
That’s awesome, what a story.
When I got our due date, I was like, “oh, that was Halloween. That’s when we all went-” our whole cast, we had nine women at the time, we all went to a sex party, so we could hop on there and talk about it. And I wanted to bolt as soon as I got there, it was so uncomfortable for me. And it was just – anyways, it’s a different story probably for another day. But it ended up being a really incredible thing for me to push a boundary.
So one of the general rules that has really helped me, and one of the sexperts that we had on the show, Mikey B, who did our Valentine’s Day event last year, he really broke something down for me. So once your needs are met, we want to look at desire versus fantasy. And this really creates an arena for you to explore, because the desire is something that you actually want. You actually want to do that thing. A fantasy is something that you really want to say you want to do it, and maybe you want to try it in your mind. But it’s not anything, when you’re talking with your partner, it’s not anything that you’re actually going to do. You want to fantasize about what you want to do, because sometimes that can help you tap into what your real desires are. You’re like, “yeah, I don’t really want to do that. But this, ooh, this is something that is really digestible for me. I just felt my pussy open.” You start listening to your body.
And that is why the health portion – me being a registered nurse, I’m so passionate about this conversation, because preventative medicine, integrative medicine, is all about listening to your own body and being in tune with yourself. So being in tune with your sex, you’ll do that if you have a regular self-pleasure practice, and are really honoring yourself and your time, you are worth to take the time for yourself. So really listening to desires, like what do I desire. You’ll ask most women, they’ll be like, “I don’t know, I want more sleep,” you know, it’s like, that’s a need!
So you really want to make sure that you’re taking care of yourself, and with desire mapping, we nail all those down, and then there we map out the rest of your life around your pleasure. And that’s what we call a pleasure positive lifestyle, which is really taboo. It’s like, is that even possible? And it takes work to do it, and a community of support, like your community. Women are going to come here because the accountability and the camaraderie and the sharing of similar experience is so essential to really opening us up and having us actually do the things that we want to do.
Mm hmm. It’s so easy to get caught up in our heads and be thinking about different things, or even just forgetting. And having that community, like you said, the accountability, and the conversations and hearing other people’s experiences, and opening up about your own really helps prioritize it and put your focus on it. So you can keep going down that path and that journey. And it’s really hard to do without that sense of community.
It is, and the first thing that we start with in our course is identifying one limiting belief around your sex and your empowerment, because once you can identify one limiting belief – which a limiting belief is a false belief that prevents you from going after your goals and your desires. I’m gonna say it one more time, for your listeners: a limiting belief is a false belief that prevents you from pursuing your goals and your desires. So that’s the first thing that we do is we identify that because once you can identify one thing, you start to hear what we call the little bitch in your head, which is not you.
It’s not you. And if you are able to hear the little bitch – which we have our participants like name them and like tell them off all together in community, it’s really fun.
Yeah. Fuck off, Karen.
Fuck off Karen! Don’t have time for you today. Once you can hear it, you have the power then to increase the volume or lower the volume, then it becomes a choice. And I’m not saying a decision, a choice. One way or the other.
Yeah. And Indecision is also a choice.
Indecision is a choice. That is correct. Yeah. So that’s a lot of what we do, is we look at that. And then we go into tapping into desires. So you know, shame – Brene Brown always says that shame loves secrecy.
So we take women through a lot of journal exercises, and that’s something that you can do. One thing that I really like to do is to start writing down the little things that were an accomplishment, even a little accomplishment. So you can start acknowledging yourself. Once you start acknowledging yourself and really writing down on a piece of paper, like take 10 minutes to sit down and write on a piece of paper on your accomplishments. I mean, this is the beginning of the year, right? If you haven’t done it yet, take the time for yourself. You are worth the time to take for yourself.
And it’s important, as a mom, more than ever – or a parent, parent in general – to take time for yourself. And there’s so much guilt, I experienced so much guilt around the idea of how much time it would take for me to really feel like my cup was full, so that I could give to my family. Otherwise, I was always running on empty, you know, people pleaser. All those people pleasers out there!
Yeah, and you can’t carry the weight of your family when your foundation is cracking, right?
You need to tend to yourself first. And it can be so hard, when there’s so many things going on all the time. And by the time the kids are in bed, you just want to numb yourself out. But it takes just pushing yourself that extra little bit, and choosing to do something that truly fills your cup, rather than just kind of numbing out – and it’s hard at first. But putting that into practice makes such a difference.
Once you start putting it into practice, and you’re writing down the things that you want to acknowledge yourself for, that you’re proud of, even if it’s, you know, “I asked my husband to cover me so that I could go to Pilates one more day a week,” you know, or just asking people for things. That’s something that I acknowledge myself for, because I would never, before any of this, ask anyone to help me with anything. Like I had it, I had it all under control. And it’s all in my brain. So I actually don’t even know how to ask other people to help me.
Yeah, you can barely tell people what you need, because it’s just in your head and you do it.
You can’t tell people what you need, because your needs aren’t being met. So when your needs are being met, that’s when you can tap into your desires. And then when someone asks you what you want, you know what you want.
Right? And I’m here, I’m a living testament that this is possible, because this is not the way I used to live, at all. You know, and we don’t, and it’s the way that our culture is set up. Our culture does not honor women, or motherhood. And so it’s up to us to generate it for ourselves. And there are communities like Clit Talk and like your community, and just doing something for yourself. And then you start really tapping into desires once your needs are really met.
Yeah. So how can we explore more about the desires, and we’re taking time for ourselves and acknowledging our accomplishments, doing some mindful masturbation. What are other ways we can really tap into those desires?
Well, if you’re looking for, you know, desires, like sexual desires. Our podcast is a weekly podcast, where I’ve picked up so many tips and things that I want to bring into the bedroom, and I want to talk to my husband about to see if that’s something that he’s comfortable with, it’s something that I’d like to try, you know. So having my desires come to reality is really taking time to research and explore and, you know, one of our top episodes this year – it’s always funny, at the end of the year, we get our favorite episodes. Last year, or the year before, it was our squirting episode. And this year, it was dick whispering.
I just had that in my mind, the dick whispering one.
Tyomi Morgan came on our show, and she just is a wealth of information. But it was our top episode and also our top favorite tip. We actually did a recap episode on it before we even knew any of this, because it was something that was like, so simple. It made me so uncomfortable. So when you’re kind of in that feeling like that uncomfortable, but like you still want to do it.
I need to try it. That’s where I am right now.
Yeah, that’s where I was. And even the first time I did it, I was like, “hi. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to say to you.” You know? But it was fun, you know, infusing play into your sex life, in your solo practice and with your partners.
And also, just like walking through your day with purpose, like leading from the front of your body. If you can put your mind’s eye on your attention, on where you’re holding your energy as you walk through your day. And a lot of time we hold in the back, you know, we’re at computers. We’re slouched forward, we’re not heart open. Really walking through your day, consciously, like maybe you slow down a little bit. Maybe you start to notice tapping into your senses. Colours seem brighter, you start to notice the smells around you. Even if you’re just conscious about it for one moment of the day, that can shift your day to start tapping into things that you desire.
Yes, absolutely. Like we touched on, taking that time to explore and do the different research, and there can be some shame around that sometimes, doing those different Google searches. But it’s okay, you got to do the exploring to find things and learn new things. And like we’ve touched on too, that’s what’s so great about the community and being able to give those different opportunities for exploration.
One of our participants actually turned the three of us on to dipsea, which is in audio porn. I’m not a big porn watcher, I’ve never really been into it. You know, people like it, and it’s not ever been my thing. But listening to it, it just changes things a little bit. And the other thing that I just thought of was a erotic blueprints are really hot right now, ever since Gwyneth Paltrow came out with Sex, Love and goop, or whatever it is.
Just finished watching that last night finally.
So erotic blueprinting is a free test that anyone can go take, and your partner can take it. And I actually took it for the first time this year, and it breaks down what your sexual preference – there’s like five different categories. And I’m not a erotic blueprint expert, but we have a lot of episodes on Clit Talk where you can learn more about it. And in the free giveaway that I have for your listeners, we actually have an unreleased episode that really breaks down the erotic blueprint, and how that can serve in your own self pleasure practice. Depending on what percentage you are of, like – I’m kind of the same percentage for most of the categories, except I’m not a shapeshifter, which is basically like you can become anything and you’re like into it all.
That’s the one I am!
But I want more focus, I want to know exactly which ones to kind of explore more, instead of just saying everything. I was honestly a little bit like, “oh, I got shapeshifter.”
Well, you get that information, and then you’re like, “what do I do with it now?”
So that’s where we were, I was like, “so this is great. What do I do with this information? What does this mean about me?” So we have a really great unreleased episode from Jessie Fresh who is an erotic blueprint certified expert. And so that’s an unreleased episode where she goes through each blueprint, and gives you tips on that particular blueprint. So I recommend listening to that. And whatever she says, and it’s for a specific thing – this is like always my rule of thumb. If you’re listening to your – I want to do an exercise in a minute here. But if you feel your root chakra, your pussy area, your undercarriage, and you feel it kind of release and relax by something that someone said, try that.
I like it.
Right? So there’s this one exercise that is one of my all time favorite tips, and it’s from Marla Mervis Hartmann. She’s a guest that we’ve had on Clit Talk several times, and she runs Love Your Body Love Yourself. And she helped me really feel, with this simple exercise, how I could actually feel how all of our round orifices (our mouth, our nose, our pussy, our anus), all of that is spongy tissue, which is erotic tissue. It’s orgasmic tissue. So she came on our show, and she blew my mind. And there’s this thing that she does, it’s a straw exercise. So it’s like you’re sipping through a straw. And when you sip in, you can feel how when you do that with your mouth, your pussy also does that. When you release, it opens, you feel that?
So this can be used for a lot of things. It can be used for what you can – just for listening for what you want, because a lot of times we don’t know what we want. But your pussy knows, our body knows what we need. Our bodies are so smart. And our body also knows when we’re holding on to trauma. So it will also – we talked about that earlier – but it will also reveal things to you when you’re ready to hear it. But this is also one of my favorite tools for edging, whether I’m in my solo practice or partnered practice, and edging – have you talked about that before on your show?
No, but it is a topic I want to explore for this next season.
Oh, great, well, we can kind of do a little intro to it now, then you can bring an expert in. So edging is – so I use this breathing technique that [Marla Mervis Hartmann] gave me all the time, because I was a woman who would never let my husband give me oral sex, that was too uncomfortable for me. And now I’m not like that. But it really took me using that breathing, to edge the sensation, for me to not only tolerate and receive the sensation coming in, but also so that I could manage it. It manages it so it’s not so overwhelming of a feeling. So you can actually prolong your orgasm. So in your solo practice, say you’re using a cordless Hitachi magic wand, and for you wellness, that’s my go to. So you get to the point of climax and then you take it away, right? You like edge to that spot. And then you can do that up to three times. And then when you do finally orgasm, it does make it more explosive, I would say. Once you’ve edged yourself. But that breathing is key to being able to do that, for me, at least.
Interesting. So the breathe in to kind of-
Straw breathing. Yeah, breathing in through a straw, out through a straw. And you feel when you breathe in how your pussy opens. You breathe out, it closes up.
Okay, and just continuing that helps with edging. Interesting. I’m gonna try that.
Yeah. And with learning about these different things, and hearing the different podcast episodes, I find it’s a really great way to open into the conversation with our partners too. Because sometimes it can feel kind of awkward out of the blue bringing something up, but it can be a nice segue, “so I listened to this the other day, what do you think?”
Oh, yeah. All the time we get listeners writing into us being like, “so I sent this episode to my husband, I told him no pressure, but it was something that I would really be interested in, and to see what he’s comfortable with.” That’s a great way.
And then Cam Fraser. He’s like the top sexuality coach in Australia for men. He did a couple episodes with us last year. And one of my favorite tips from what you’re talking about from him, was if you’re talking to your male partner – and I don’t know if your listeners are more heterosexual – but conversations tend to go better with male partners when you’re having new or taboo or uncomfortable conversations, to have them while they’re moving.
So you know how you want to sit down and have a chat?
Why don’t you go for a walk and have a chat. And statistically, that little shift, has the conversation go a lot more positive.
Mm hmm. That makes a lot of sense. I haven’t heard a tip like that before. But it makes a lot of sense. Reflecting on different conversations we’ve had and how, maybe at times, you want to kind of pull back a little bit, but when you have that movement, it’s a little bit easier to keep going.
Yeah, yeah. And, you know, we’re communication coaches. So approaching a conversation, consent is a thing, not just for us women, but for our partners. So we’re allowed to say no, and they’re also allowed to say no, and having us not make that mean something about ourselves or about our marriage, maybe that’s just not the thing. And that’s okay, because there’s plenty of other things that you can explore, and maybe there’s some sort of way to have a conversation where they warm up to it later.
But if you have a conversation – if I’m going to my husband, and I want to… Okay, so this year, I want to go to a dungeon because I’ve never been to one, and it’s like that’s my desire, it’s on my list, because I’ve never done it and I think it sounds really fun and out there. It might be really probably uncomfortable, but it might be something that I discovered, something that I really like, you know?
Yeah. Having a conversation with your husband and approaching something that’s a little bit more out there, and having those conversations while moving on the go. I can imagine that’s nice, too, because you don’t necessarily have the direct eye contact. That’s something that’s come up in previous episodes, while you’re driving, and it’s a lot less pressure.
Exactly. And you have to think too, if you can’t be requested of, or if you don’t have permission to give consent, whether it’s a yes or no, you’re not going to have a successful conversation. And if I get upset when I’ve asked my husband to do something that feels a little uncomfortable to me, but it’s something that I want to do. And when his initial reaction is a no. And I’m like, like our marriage, blah, blah, blah, like everything.
How could you?
How could you? I’m being vulnerable, and you just shut me down?
Remember, it’s my responsibility. My pleasure is my responsibility. If I’m going to react that way, it’ll be painted with that reaction.
If you’re like, “oh, okay. It was just something I want to try, I listened to this episode. If you want to listen to it, you know, maybe we can circle back to the conversation.”
And then just be with their no, right? So it makes a really big difference. Because I would feel really – it was hard for me to ask my husband to try things, because I was already so uncomfortable at the idea of doing it anyways, not in like a bad way. But when I would ask him to do things, and he wouldn’t be into it, I would experience being hurt by him. You know? And it didn’t empower him, and it didn’t empower me. So that’s one thing that our participants in our course, if they’re not into things, then that’s okay. Because consent is for everyone. And everyone is allowed to set their own boundaries. But really kind of mapping that out with your partner could be kind of fun. But bridging this conversation and just beginning the conversation, I would be walking. And I would have like a specific thing. And it’s an open ended conversation. Pleasure is an ongoing conversation. So having a pleasure mindset, you’re going to be set up more for success and like having your desires come to reality.
Mm hmm. And like you had mentioned, being intentional going into the conversation that their reaction, if it happens to be a no, it’s not necessarily personal.
Yeah. And being somewhat prepared for that. And I’m someone that when I can be vulnerable, or I get to a vulnerable place with my husband. And he might say something that triggers me, I’m like, “how could you,” right? Like we talked about. And it can be hard to process those feelings and move past it. But I like how you brought that up, and perhaps going into the conversation with that in mind can help mitigate some of that.
Yep. Yep. And it leaves it open. Even if he’s a no right then, and you’re cool with it, and still empowered. A lot of times, that spikes curiosity. Especially in the realm of sex and empowerment. If you’re like, “this is something that I think could really empower me in the bedroom. And something I want to try.” If you’re open to it; if not, there’s 200 episodes to listen to.
Yeah, there’s other things that can be explored.
There’s other things!
Just not taking the no for the answer right away as the no for all time. And it’s okay if it does happen to be a hard no, but like you mentioned, circling back. And if it’s something that’s still on your mind, one thing I tell our community that comes up in Mom Truth Mondays, if it’s something that is constantly on your mind, and keeps coming up and keeps coming up, no matter what area of your life it is, it’s your body telling you something, and you do need to listen to it in one way or another. And say, in this instant, with the partnership, you can try and approach the conversation in different ways. And then if it is somewhat of a hard no, you can, again, you’re responsible for your own pleasure, and perhaps exploring how you might be able to make that happen in a way that still works for your relationship and your partnership and for your own pleasure.
So we’re coming up to time, do you have any other tips on the communication side or any other – you’ve mentioned a ton of resources. But if there are any others that come to mind that might be valuable for listeners to look into.
As far as communication goes, there is an exercise that we do in all of our courses and ongoing; there’s actually two. So I’ll do the first one: everyone lives to be acknowledged. Everyone lives for acknowledgement, for someone to have noticed what they did. So an exercise that we do in our communication course you’re paired up, and say we’re paired up, I would tell you what I want to be acknowledged for. And you actually just give it back to me, from your perspective. And then giving that back and forth. If you’re to do that with your partner, like, is there anything you’d like to be acknowledged for? They’ll be like “noo,” at first. “No, I don’t think so.” And I think about it, and maybe notice something, you know. “I noticed that you put the dishes away, it really made my day so much easier where I was able to come into the kitchen and think about what I needed to eat, instead of cleaning up after the family. Thank you so much. Is there anything else you’d like to be acknowledged for?” And then a lot of times, that’ll stir up a conversation, and then you get to acknowledge your partner. And you can do this with friends. I mean, we do this in our course, everyone gets pleasure partners. And then it’s the other person’s turn.
Yeah, I felt my whole body soften hearing that, I love that idea.
Right? It’s something that like, it’s so simple. And it’s like, “oh, yeah, that’s easy to do. And why don’t I do that more?” But that’s a really great exercise of actually asking for what you want to be acknowledged for and allowing your partner, or your friend, to have the freedom to say what they want to be acknowledged for. And then at the end, you ask “is there anything else?” And you ask, “is there anything else” until there’s nothing else.
Yeah. It’s such a good practice for opening those conversations and asking for what you want, too.
Yeah. And asking for what you want. It’s a great opportunity to request whatever you’re desiring too, you know? People live to be acknowledged, it’s a super effective communication tool, and it just creates more love and affinity and intimacy in all of your relationships. And one of Mama Gena’s, so Regena Thomashauer – I can’t even believe I haven’t really mentioned her name in this interview yet, but her book, Pussy: A Reclamation, inspired the Clit Talk podcast. We were a book club, reading Pussy: A Reclamation. And we were calling in every week, every time we read a chapter, and I worked in entertainment forever and so did my other girlfriend, and we’re like, “I think this is a show.” Because it was turning our life upside down.
So we’re a huge ambassador for Regena Thomashauer, the creatrix of GPS, great pussy in the sky, which when I talk about listening to your pussy, it’s your GPS. It’s your inner GPS. But it stands for great pussy in the sky. And exercise that she does, she calls it the Holy Trinity. And it’s a brag, a desire, and a gratitude. So when we first did this on our call-in book club, it was the most triggered conversation I’ve ever had with nine other women. None of them wanted to brag about themselves, or say something nice about themselves. I started crying. I had to brag about myself, I started like sobbing on the phone. It was such a weird reaction now thinking about it, but it was pretty universal. Lindsey, our other co-host, got so angry and didn’t do the exercise.
What you do is you brag. One brag, one desire, and one gratitude, as a practice. And it’s in communication and your words create your world. And a lot of times that will – it’s just a really great exercise. We start all of our pleasure partner calls with them doing a Holy Trinity.
Okay, there are so many great tidbits on this episode. I feel like I have so many different things to try out now, and read, and people to check out.
Well, thank you so much for being here today and sharing your knowledge with all of us. I really appreciate you taking the time.
Of course, thank you so much for having me. This was a pleasure.
Thanks. And thank you to everyone listening, and we can carry on the conversation within our Facebook group and group chat, and in our Hangouts too, perhaps we will go through the Holy Trinity together when we hang out on Zoom.
Yeah! But that’s it for now, see you guys later!
Thank you. Bye!
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