Tantric energy is something that we’ve maybe heard of but don’t necessarily know a lot about. Maybe you know what chakras are or maybe you’re sitting here going “wait, how do I say that word?” Tantra at its base form is our energy, and the seven chakras are the seven different main energy points in our bodies, and today we’re talking with Tantric coach Dominique D’Vita to learn more about tantric energy!
Whether we notice it or not, energy affects our behaviour and emotions, and sometimes even our physical beings. Most of us have had an experience where someone just feels off, and it’s normally to do with their energy. Practicing Tantra can help us to manage our own energy and well-being – in and out of the bedroom.
In this episode we’re talking about what practicing tantra looks like, how our different chakras can affect different aspects of our lives, and how tantric breathing and practices can help us prolong our pleasure! Dominique has so much knowledge and amazing advice to share, and we can’t wait for you to listen!
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Sex Positive Monogamy with the Creator and Producer of the Top-Rated Sexuality Podcast Clit Talk Katie Roberts
Strengthening Communication and Connection in Your Relationship with Relationship Expert Sheina Schochet
As a Registered Nurse and a certified transformational Tantra coach, Dominique is a healer. Labels aside, she save and transform lives. Dominique believes that by blending science & spirituality, we can better understand our bodies, respect ourselves, and deepen our connections with our partners. That’s why she uses a holistic approach in coaching to focus on harnessing the power of your body to master self-love. Ultimately, this self-love leads us to experience the pure bliss of soulful, connected love.
In This Episode We Talk About
00:38 – Who is Dominique?
03:39 – What is Tantra?
14:37 – How helping your partner outside of the bedroom will improve your sex life and your relationship.
31:21 – Tantric energy and the seven chakras.
45:41 – How we can incorporate tantric practices into our lives.
51:09 – Final thoughts and where to find Dominique!
Watch the Video
Listen to the Audio
UM Club Facebook page
Healing from sexual shame workshop
Sex magic workshop
Intro to Tantra courses
30-minute Discovery Call
Female pleasure masterclass
12 days of self love ebook
Read the first chapter for free
Intro to Tantra: tools for transformation course
Master the Female Orgasm Audio
Secrets for Male Strength and Stamina in the Bedroom
Clit Talk Episode 212: Better Orgasms Through Tantric Sex with Creator of Yes Tantra Dominique D’Vita
Read the Full Conversation
Hello and welcome to another episode inside the Unapologetic Moms Club. Today I am very excited to be welcoming Dominique D’Vita from Yes Tantra to talk all about Tantra and teach us about it. And I’m just so excited. So welcome Dominique D’Vita, thank you for being here.
Oh, it’s my pleasure. I love having these conversations. And I’m just loving this community. I’ve been a mom and a single mom and now my children are adults. And so I’ve gone through the spectrum of that. And I just love empowering women with this information. So thanks for, you know, facilitating this conversation and welcoming me here.
Yes, thank you. So let’s hop right into it. Who are you? What do you do and why are you so passionate about teaching this to the world?
Oh my goodness. So yes, I’m Dominique D’Vita. I’m a registered nurse and certified Tantra coach and sexpert. And to be an expert in something you have to have 10,000 hours of experience and I’ve done a lot of research in the field. And about 10 years ago when I was 44, because this year on Halloween, I’ll be 54. But 10 years ago, I had my first Tantra experience.
And I had wanted to learn Tantra a decade before but I was under the common misconception that you need a partner to begin, and it’s like no, you don’t need a partner to begin. It just starts with you. And then you can add a partner or lover in if you choose to, and you’ll actually attract better quality partners because you start to have a better relationship with yourself and doing self love and learning how to be your own best lover. And that’s how you attract better lovers.
So it’s been such a beautiful healing journey for me and when I had this first experience, I had my first soulgasm, which was so deeply healing. And it was almost like, you know, how Marvin Gaye sings about sexual healing. That’s exactly what I experienced. And I had prolonged ecstatic states of pleasure for over five hours and I had a kundalini awakening with that experience. And I was already a guest on Playboy radio, answering sex questions, and I was having better sex than like 90% of my friends. And my friends were like “you need to write a book” or “the positions you taught me saved my marriage,” etc, etc.
And then with Tantra, when I had this experience, it was so life changing I was like, “wow, I had no idea that there were so much more pleasure that I could experience.” It was like I had merely been scratching the surface, like the tip of the iceberg, and there were so much more. And I was at a loss and I felt sad, I was like, oh my goodness, like so many of my friends and the women that I know are never going to have this experience in their lifetimes. And it just kind of broke my heart.
So I became super passionate about teaching women about this first going on my journey and learning everything I could over the past decade. And then also sharing this with men because with Tantra for males, you teach them how to separate their orgasm from ejaculation so they could be multi-orgasmic, have stamina for hours. And if males lasts longer than that’s better for the females. So all I’m doing is in support to the divine feminine, and so that we can have like better lovers to be with and men that have self love relationships too. And so that we can be thriving both inside and outside the bedroom.
I love so much about that. And I feel like I already have so many questions. Like first, I really want to hear about exactly what Tantra is. And I also had the perception that it was something you do with partners, so I would love to hear about the solo play with it. And then later we need to touch on that soulgasm, because I need to hear more and know what that’s about.
Most definitely, most definitely. Yeah.
So let’s start with Tantra. So what exactly is Tantra? I’ve heard it’s amazing, it changes your life, and it’s these like big long periods and like sexual exploration with each other. But I haven’t had Tantric experiences and that can almost be like, “wow, like four hours, that’s a lot.” So let’s hear, what exactly is Tantra? I’m assuming it’s not like really physically exerting throughout that whole time, it’s more about the connection and all of that sort of thing.
Yes, you’re exactly right. And so Tantra, it’s comes from India, the roots are from India, and the Hindu word means like a weaving or bringing together and also it means a practice. And so this is a practice that you continue to do, just like you go to the gym to work out this is like the inner gym that you’re going to be doing with some of the exercises with Tantra so you continue the practice. And it’s also means expansion.
So initially, there’s also a Buddhist form of Tantra and like the Buddhist monks, when they wanted to meditate and really have an elevated consciousness and get those kind of Zen-like experiences of enlightenment, they would use these Tantra practices to have that expanded consciousness. And initially these practices weren’t even allowed to be done by women. This was just for the males and they’d be on the mountainside and they were doing these things and working with their energy centres and their chi, lifeforce energy, which is also our sexual energy.
And using that energy to open up the chakras and the energy centres within our body, we have these different energy points. And a lot of times through traumas or different life experiences or fears, we shut down these centres. A very common energy centre that’s closed off and guarded is our heart chakra. And when we’re closed off, and we’re kind of shut down, we don’t have that full flow. And whenever I had my experience with my soulgasm it was really a kundalini awakening, like the energy was able to go from the bottom chakra all the way up to my third eye and my crown chakra.
And so use these practices with white, pink, red Tantra practices, you do different practices to really help you to optimize this energetic flow and really drop into tapping into your highest self and kind of really being tapped in, because we’ve kind of numbed out to how powerful we are within. So this is all about tapping into the magic that’s already here within us, like this buried treasure, but in society we’re so conditioned and taught that everything we need is outside of us and we’re seeking for status symbols, etc, etc.
So it’s really an expansion, and you’re able to have this beautiful relationship with yourself when you’re able to be fully present with a lover and not just be worrying and let your monkey mind take you in another place. Or we’re not too caught up in fantasy or we’re have intimacy blocks where we really can’t connect to our lover and we’re just kind of going through the motions of sex but really not having that soulful connection with a person. You know, that really limits what we can experience, right? But when we have these other skills then when we’re in the bedroom, we’re able to have more intimacy, deeper connection. And sex becomes a completely different experience because we let the walls down and we’re able to really receive a whole different experience.
And this sexual energy is a really sacred experience. And our sexual energy – there’s so much shame about it, right? But we’re literally created from sexual energy. Like that’s how we came into creation. So why would there be shame in that? And we’re wired to experience pleasure, and females are more wired to experience pleasure than males. We’re the only species that has an organ whose sole purpose is pleasure. The clitoris has no other functions, not for reproduction or urinary tract. It’s just for pleasure. And our clitoris has over 8000 nerve endings and the penis has 2000 to 3000 nerve endings. So we’re built to have pleasure, pleasure is our birthright.
And so we can do these solo practices, and experience this amazing healing pleasure in our bodies. And if you think about it, so often females, if we’re in a long-term relationship, we often feel like “oh, well now I don’t need to masturbate or self-pleasure, because I’m only supposed to do that with my partner.” Right? Or if we do self-pleasure, we know how to go from point A to point B really fast. And so we don’t take a lot of time with ourselves. But if a lover was to be that fast with us, then we would be resentful. Like, “why aren’t you taking your time with me?” And it’s like, well, you need to also take that time with yourself.
And, you know, how we show up for ourselves is how we’re showing the world what our expectations are and how to show up for us, right? So when we can take that time and be our own best lover, then we become better lovers, and more open to those expanded experiences.
Now I will share, one of my best friends. She’s like – I’m a Scorpio, born on Halloween, right? She’s like, “oh, you always like have sex for a long time. Oh my gosh, if it’s more than 20 minutes, like I’m done, I just want them to like be done with it.”
And you know, we can even tell partners in the past like, are you finished? Are you about to finish? Are you close? And that’s because that experience often that we’re receiving, we don’t get the proper sex education. So males are mimicking what they’re seeing in porn, and they’re doing these like jackhammer moves, and it’s all performance based and it’s kind of disconnected and it misses that intimacy piece. And so with that, of course, yeah, we’re gonna get bored and it’s just gonna be like, “oh my gosh, like, how much longer are we doing this?” Because it’s not really satisfying on a physical level the way we deserve and it’s not satisfying to our soul and our energetic body as well.
But whenever you have sex and tap into the power of what’s possible, and you have someone that can be really dropped in, connected, hold space, be honoring you, and have that deep intimacy and connection and you’re just playing in the flow of that energy and it’s kind of like this dance. And you’re dropped in and you’re just riding these waves of long states of ecstatic bliss and pleasure. It’s so deeply healing and transformative. But a lot of us don’t even know that sex like that is available to us because we’ve never got the proper sex education and males are going around thinking they’re porn stars, and “oh, this is what women want.” And it’s totally not, those women that they’re being with are actresses. And so it should have a disclaimer on the porn, like, “do not try this at home.”
So I want to share that for a long time and that jackhammer move, we’re like, “oh, yeah, no way, that doesn’t even sound appealing.” But to have a deep intimacy where you’re being honoured as a goddess and you’re just not even worrying, just really feeling excited, and there’s no “do I have to rein myself in because I’m going to push my lover to the tipping point, the point of no return and it’s going to be game over.” If your lover has mastered these Tantric practices, they’re able to have stamina for hours and just be dropped in and not have that tension. And you can just fully go to places with your pleasure and ecstatic bliss that you never allowed yourself to go to or had the opportunity to, because, you know, in 20 minutes, we’re not going to fully get there. It takes some time to ride those waves and that’s such a beautiful space to be in when you have someone that can share that space with you. I hope that helps.
Absolutely, that sounds incredible. I love to hear lengthy answers. But yeah, it seems like in terms of sexuality, that a lot of people are being taught through porn and things like that. It’s all about the destination, the orgasm, getting from point A to point B like you’ve touched on. But Tantra is really about the energy flow and zoning in with each other and that incredible connection that we can have with one another.
Yeah, it’s like a journey. And really, in that time when I had my first soulgasm and when I had these experiences, it’s almost timeless, it’s like time stands still. And it was actually five hours that I was with this person two nights in a row. And then this all unlocked for me. And it literally felt as if maybe 20 minutes went by, you know, it’s like time stood still. I knew, intellectually, like I knew a lot had happened and it was more than 20 minutes, but you know, they say time flies when you’re having fun.
All the sudden you’re looking you’re like, “wait, it’s five hours later,” but it’s just this beautiful dance and you’re in that flow of that energy and that bliss, and it’s such a beautiful experience and you almost like never want it to stop. So it’s completely different than modern day sex. We’ve kind of perverted sex with porn and being performative, ego based, people are disconnected, they’re afraid to have intimacy.
You know how many times – females are so intuitive. I know that I’ve experienced where you can actually feel that disconnected lover, and it feels as if he’s just masturbating inside of your body, that you’re just an object, he’s thinking about something he’s seen on porn, and he’s just having his needs met, and he’s not really dropped in or fully present with you. And that doesn’t feel good. And then males are like, “well, why doesn’t my girl want to have sex or my partner won’t have sex with me?” Well, if you learn how to have sex in this way, her drive will be so high, she’ll be bothering you. You’ll be like, “whoa, whoa, whoa, not again. I gotta rest.”
So the tables can turn. But I think a lot of women turn down our sex drive because we get so frustrated. One there’s shame about it. We have shame about sexual beings, especially when we’re a mom. We’re like, “oh, now I need to be a mom now. My sensuality and my sexuality, my desire, has to take a back burner,” right? Or that’s like a not a maternal and motherly way to be. But we’re multifaceted beings and we don’t need to just have us being a mom define our whole entire existence. Right?
And so if we can really tap into the pleasure and also not have shame about our sensuality or sexuality, or fear – because we do live in a society where sometimes if we go out exuding the sensuality and sexuality we can feel like a target for unwanted attention, or assault, or other things that are not wanted, or sexual harassment. So we just kind of restrict, restrict, restrict and turn down our lights. And turn down our sexual energy because it doesn’t feel safe for us.
And so, you know, when we’re turning that down, we’re also turning down how much we can experience pleasure and enjoy think other things in our lives, too. So just a huge permission slip to pleasure and just knowing that this is your body, and if anyone deserves to enjoy your body it’s you. And again, there’s amazing solo Tantra practices that you can enjoy, so that you’re able to have this like pleasure, which again, pleasure is medicine.
Yes, pleasure is fantastic. I think that really ties into something that we say a lot here within the community, that an amazing sex life starts outside of the bedroom. Like if you’re feeling disconnected within your relationship, you’re run down with kind of mom mode, all the things going on and not having that other intimate connection. You don’t just automatically get it as soon as you decide to have sex. Like you need to feel connected and supported in so many different ways to kind of reach that other level of intimacy and connection in the bedroom.
Most definitely, and foreplay really begins immediately after your sex session finishes. I mean, everything, the way your partner treats you, the way your partner shows up for you or supports you during the day, how you’re treating them. Like that is foreplay to set up the next time that you’re together.
So my male clients, when they’re just wondering, like, “oh, my wife-” and if they have children, especially – “oh, my wife, you know, I really want to have sex with her but she’s tired.” It’s just like, okay, well look at the ways that maybe you can support her with some things to create that time and take some things off her plate. Because I think men are unaware of how much women do as the mom and how much work and how many things we’re doing.
And so, if we’re so exhausted and depleted that we can’t even meet our own needs and we’re just pouring and pouring into our children and then we’re feeling “oh my gosh, I’m just so frustrated because I can’t even care for myself.” And then we have our partner saying, me, me, me. I want you to be with me. It’s like, hey, I haven’t even sourced myself yet. And then it’s a resentment. It’s like, wait a second, I’m stretched way too thin. So have Instacart deliver groceries, have someone come over and help for cleaning. Do something to make their life easier and so that you can have a partner that’s not exhausted.
And another thing too is if you look later in the day, we can be tired, so maybe have, instead of a date night, have a date in the middle afternoon when someone’s watching your children. And do it whenever you have more energy.
Yeah, I’m a big proponent of the midday sexy time, like that’s when we have energy.
Yes, prioritize your pleasure and you should be at the top of your to do list and you should plan it. And some males think that that’s not sexy but the feminine too, a lot of times we love that anticipation. And your brain is your largest sex organ. So us looking forward to that can actually start priming us for having that intimacy with our lover.
I love that perspective in planning because sometimes it can be like oh, it’s boring like you need to plan it. Why do you need to plan it? But yeah, I like how it ties into anticipation and thinking it, getting ready for it.
Yeah. You got to plan it because other things will just hijack your day, and then it’s always like, “oh, tomorrow, tomorrow” and then resentment start to build up. Or then you start to be feeling more disconnected from that person and not having as deep of a bond because the love and bonding hormones, oxytocin, are released when we have orgasms and it really connects us to our partners. And it’s such a great stress relief for us and has so many other benefits and health benefits too. It lowers our cortisol level, or our stress hormone, so.
Absolutely, yeah, I’ve done a lot of different research and people that report saying they have satisfying sex lives also report thinking more positive thoughts of their partner, having better health, living longer lives, happier in their lives. It’s all about that sexual energy and connection and all the different hormones. Like you said, we’re built for this.
Exactly, exactly. So enjoy it and let go of any shame that you have. And I do have a masterclass replay and it also has a login on my site with some extra resources, but I have a course on healing from sexual shame. Because in our society, we can be programmed to have so much shame around it, but it’s just because society has perverted sex. You know, they’ve twisted it with things and porn and being performance based, putting a lot of fear and shame around it. And really the purpose of sex is so beautiful and deeply healing, but we’ve stepped away from that and we don’t really know how to tap into the power of it and how healing it can be.
Yes, yeah. I feel like with society and like as women, it’s oh, all guys want sex but you’re not supposed to have sex. You don’t have sex with too many people. Like it’s not necessarily something you’re going to enjoy. If you own it and you’re more of a sexual person, then you’re a slut. You’re a bad woman and things like that. And so that’s how there can be so much shame with wanting sex or wanting pleasure because we have all of these things coming down on us. Like you said, kind of stuffing down that energy in those feelings.
Yeah. And if you think about it, you know, when 100 years ago, or even seventy years ago, a female’s anatomy – and I love that you have your pronouns. But for this, it’s strictly anatomical, this is not about gender. Because I respect all genders. This just anatomically speaking, what you’re assigned at birth. Females, we’re wired to experience so much pleasure.
And it’s so funny when you see how often men will be like, “oh, I want to have a threesome and I want to be with two women.” It’s like, dude, you could barely keep up with me. Why are you – you want two unsatisfied women in here? But it’s so much in their ego. If anyone should be having multiple partners, it should be the woman because we have the more stamina for that. You know males after they orgasm, unless they know how to have non-ejaculatory orgasms that I teach males. They just quickly fall asleep and they’re done. It’s like game over.
Where females, often we’re still energized because orgasms really do energize us. I think in the years past, males could see how women had more endurance and stamina in the bedroom. And that was kind of a hit to their ego and brought fear to them. So then they wanted to control women and make women bad or wrong if they wanted to have sex because, you know, males are aware “hey, if I was designed and I could have sex the way that a woman can and not get tired and fall asleep. I will be all over the place being with everyone all the time.” And then that becomes a fear.
And back in the day, the males if they had farmland and property to divide up, you know, when we have a baby, we know it’s ours. And then back then there was no DNA testing and other things either, right? So there’s always a concern of like, “am I giving my money or am I supporting something that isn’t mine?” So then actually, that marriage certificate and things like that happened, so that it’s like the ownership and to secure that this is my woman and she’s not going to be with anyone else and I can be sure that the fruit that she bears, aka children, is mine and is the rightful heir to what I have.
So a lot of it has been control, and then making women feel bad about how sexually amazing we are and all this pleasure that we can have. Because there’s also been an insecurity within them, that they’re like, “oh, gosh, I can’t even do that.” You know, “it always finishes when I finish.” You know what I’m saying? Like, “I’m the person that dictates how long this party is going to go.” You know what I’m saying? And so there’s a lot of fear within that.
And the old patriarchal ways also have suppressed modern day men as well. So having compassion for one another and breaking free from those things. But, you know, we can experience amazing pleasure for hours and hours on end. And there shouldn’t be shame about that. It’s time for us to let go of the shame. You know, the scarlet letter, the adultery, so much shame over women is in a way to try to control us. It’s time for us to take our power back and be like, “you know what, your fear and your ego is not going to define me and my experience.”
Yes, another thing that comes to mind when you’re talking about the patriarchy and the social contracts is like the witch hunts, and how women have the power of creation and energy for creation. And with witch hunts, it’s going after women who are more in their own, they’re owning things, are creating things or helping the community. And it’s too much for the church and for men, and so they’re hunting those kinds of women down. And that just comes in layers and layers throughout our ancestry, having that shame and stifling down our power.
Yes! I’m born on Halloween, right before midnight and my hair is naturally jet black. So, you know, I love witchy things, I even have a program where I incorporate Tantra and better orgasms with sex magic, which is not a dark magic. It’s just the power of creation and amplifying your ability to manifest with your sexual energy.
And so when I say witch I think Woman In Total Control of Herself. So the thing with that is, is back in the day when women were independent and didn’t want to have a husband, and they knew how to rely on nature, and they were tapping into their own power, and they weren’t needing outside society, that was very scary for men. But I think women just back then had a different, you know, relationship and they didn’t feel that they needed a man to identify with, right? And so if they’re feeling their own power that was really scary.
Even now, hundreds of years later, notice that if you’re a single woman, often you’re asked, “oh, why are you single?” And it’s almost as if, in the back of their mind, you can feel them ask “well you seem like a great person. So what’s kind of fucked up about you that you’re single?”
Well, what’s offered in the modern world as far as how relationships and the majority of our society go, and most people haven’t healed their traumatic wounds or they’re just approaching relationships from ego or, you know, they haven’t done their inner work or growth journey, or males want to have you as a trophy or possession. Like that doesn’t appeal to me. I want to have a more expanded type of relationship. And if you want to have me settle for that old idea of what a relationship involves, I’ll fucking pass on that, right?
Because that’s like me being in someone else’s shadow and someone else trying to have me dim my light. And I’m just not willing to do that anymore. It took me a while to get to this space, but it’s just that control. It was all about control. So that’s why they were controlling the women and there was the fear of the powerful women.
Now recently I did – I’m really interested in like quantum leaps and quantum energy. And I was doing a meditation, this guided meditation, and I had done it a few times. And then it was like, “All right, I want you to imagine now on the top of your head, there’s a light, like a funnel of light going up like connecting to the universe. And it’s like this magical hat that you’re wearing. And at the top of the hat is a point and it’s the quantum point and it’s connecting your right and left sides of your brain. So you’re more powerful and connecting you to more to source and being tapped in.”
And then it took me a while of doing this meditation, this other person was guiding while I listened. And I was like, “OMG that’s where the witches hats came from!” I was like witches would wear those hats, because they’re trying to get the point, to be the quantum point of their energy of tapping in to get things. And it just made so much sense to me when I did that meditation. So it’s just like having this awareness. But the fear of the unknown, people not understanding that these people were just more tapped in and self-aware and not going to sign up for the BS that society was offering them. Then all of a sudden you’re ostracized or you’re bad or wrong.
Yeah, absolutely. And thinking about how like the patriarchy and things like that have done a disservice to men as well, which has helped perpetuate a lot of this. I recently did an episode with male life coach helping guys with their relationships and things like that. And oftentimes, like they’re taught, like, “man up, you don’t feel this, you stuff it down.” And so often, they’re left without even having the skills to be able to deal with those emotions. And it can come out in anger, and they’re not necessarily knowing how to be vulnerable, how to connect. And so it goes into the different roles that we’re dealing with now from that.
Yeah, I think there’s a lot of different challenges that males face and I love supporting males and I just feel like, you know, in our society so much it can be like the feminist movement or males versus females or which is the better sex. But if instead of having that separation, if we could come together and have empathy for one another and support each other on the healing and have compassion, understand the other person’s challenges, that could be so empowering. But we’re just taught “it’s you versus me,” instead of coming together united, right?
So whenever I work with males – and I work with my female clients, I remind my female clients, you know, for me, I would much rather be a woman than a man. I know that women we’ve had our challenges. I get it, society has been super challenging for women. But if I’m pregnant, I know it’s mine. Right? If let’s say, I can choose birth control methods, most of the time, unless something happens that I’m not consenting to, right? So I’m able to have that extra protection that I can have in case a condom breaks or something. I regret now that I took birth controls and those synthetics in the past, I’m just saying there’s been certain things available to women when we can kind of control that in a different way.
And the thing, too, is that like even if I’m 70 or 80 years old, I can fake it till I make it. I don’t believe in faking orgasms at all. I’m just saying like I could use some lube to get the party started. And then when we’re kissing and there’s lube and things get going, then we can proceed, right? But for males, a lot of times then they have to already be erect to be able to go and sometimes they have things like performance anxiety, premature ejaculation. If I cum early, I’m just winning, right? They’re worried about their size. There’s so many things for men that are challenging, and I’m like, “oh, you know, I’ll take the periods and the pregnancy and stuff over that.”
And then the other thing, too, is they’re just taught not to have emotion. So now we’re like, “why can’t my partner be vulnerable with me?” They’ve never been taught to, they’ve been conditioned by society and things like that to shut down and not show those emotions. And they are humans but they’re so conditioned to be the protectors, the providers, to not show fear, but they’re humans and they’re having a human experience.
And then we’ve had the flip side of so many single women – and I salute all single mothers. But I think what’s happened that we’ve gone to the other end of the pendulum is a lot of single moms, we’ve had some bad relationships with men. And so then if we are raising boys – and especially if they don’t have a great father figure to show them the ways of like being a man and, you know, the divine masculine and being a positive role model. We can be like, “oh, you’re not going to be like those other men.” So then we’re like, “you always have to respect women and you always have to say yes, and you have to be so polite.” And then we’re shutting them down.
And then we have these newer generations of men that are just too much Mr. Nice Guy, and too much self sacrificing. And they can’t even stand in their power. They’re so disempowered and they don’t even know how to express because they’re too much people pleasing and they can’t even be their authentic selves. So it’s like we’ve almost gone the whole other way out of the fear of our sons being bad. And then we’re actually limiting, you know, it’s a disservice them too.
So it’s just having that awareness and getting that support because being a mom is not an easy thing and we all want the best for our children. So this isn’t to shame anyone just to bring awareness of, you know, these beautiful souls that we’re guiding on this journey. So just a different perspective,
And to give space and to coming into their own and giving the skills to deal with the different things that come.
Yes, yes, most definitely.
I love all of this and all the different directions we’re going, but let’s steer it a little bit back to Tantra specifically. And I would like to go into a bit of tips and tricks, but first, can you explain that energy side of it, because like that is what Tantra is and such a big part of it. But if you’re someone who doesn’t know much about this stuff, thinking about the energy might seem like a little bit of an abstract concept. So could you kind of explain the energy, and you were saying with the different chakras and things like that. Could you explain?
Yes, yes, I’d love to. It’s so fascinating because 1000s of years ago, people realizing, and with Tantra practices, too, that we had these energy centres or these chakras in our bodies. But it’s not like a specific thing – and I used to assist with surgeries, and I can take the role of an assisting surgeon, so it’s not when I’m going in and seeing anatomy, like I’m looking at the spleen or something. I’m not seeing a chakra, it’s an energy centre.
But now, in modern times, they’ve injected people with isotopes and done some scans and they can actually see like this activity where these centres have been identified. So it’s so amazing, but in years past, we were taken away from the wisdom of our bodies. We are so distracted, we’re in a universe, in a world, where we’re always looking outside of ourselves, or connecting to our cell phones, we’re using technology, and information overload.
And so we just don’t take the time to really tap into our intuition and what we’re sensing with our energy body because we have a physical body. We have an emotional body. We have the nervous system, but we also have an energetic body.
So these energy centres, each energy centre supports organ systems that are in that region as well. Like the heart chakra supports with the heart. If your throat chakra is blocked, you’ll notice that your voice will be more constricted. You may not be comfortable speaking your truth, you may worry too much about what you say. Or if it’s overactive you may be excessively talkative.
And a lot of people, even males and females, if I see that their throat chakra is blocked, sometimes your throat chakra, if you look at a cross section of the anatomy of your throat and your larynx, it looks very similar to the female pelvic floor. So I will even have male clients and female clients who will have problems with pelvic floor pain and a lot of tension in their pelvic floor. And I’ll notice that they’re very self conscious about using their voice because this is constricted. It’s like this is this tube from our mouth down to our anus, this tube, and if there’s constriction here, there’s constriction and tension below as well. Right?
And so just understanding how these energy centres are impacting us. And so whenever you’re moving that energy, a lot of people we’re operating from our bottom chakras, which the lower chakra, your root chakra, is at the base of your spine. And it’s has to do with family, safety, security in our home, our tribe, belonging. Then between our navel and our root chakra is our sacral chakra energy centre, which has to do more with our sexual energy but also our creativity because our sexual energy is our most creative energy, it creates life. Right? So when we can tap into the power of this, it doesn’t have to be just for sex, but when I work with celebrities or artists and musicians, you know whenever their their sacral chakra is more open their creativity flows more. Or writers, you know. It’s really amazing. So that’s your sexual energy chakra.
And then above that is your solar plexus. It’s like a little bit above, and so a lot of times we just operate because above that is your heart chakra. So there’s seven chakras in your body, I have a diagram over here. There are seven chakras in your body and your heart chakra connects the upper three to the lower three. And your heart chakras your connecting chakra and connects you to the world around you.
And in my intro to Tantra courses online, I have a whole thing on chakras, we go really deep into this. So often our heart chakra is blocked either from the mother/father wound or childhood trauma, a heartbreak from a relationship, and we shut down and we’re guarded. And especially for the feminine we can lean into our masculine energy more than the feminine because it feels safer. Right? And so we’re very guarded, and that can stay blocked. And that was my challenge too.
So we’re actually operating on those bottom three chakras and the energy can surge up from the bottom one to the second one to the third one, and then there’s a blockage there and then it drops back down. And it’s almost like we’re on this hamster wheel of it just circling and circling. And before Tantra, I was more like Samantha on Sex in the City. And I was very primal about my sexuality, instead of intentional with it. And I would feel like all this lust and it was just like this itch I had to scratch, even just having sex with myself. I was just like, “I want to be with someone else” because then my ego was more involved and I wanted that validation.
And so I was like more primal and I was just like, “I’m down to fuck, let’s hook up.” And that’s what most people in our society are doing, and they’ll be aroused and the energy will go to the third chakra and then you have sex or an orgasm and then it drops back down. Now whenever you’re able to open the heart chakra, then when I started having that experience, the energy was able to flow all the way up into my throat chakra, my third eye chakra, my crown chakra, and that’s where I had my third eye chakra open and I started being more tapped in, my intuition. Your intuition is here, I became more intuitive. Your crown chakra helps you open and have more discernment and more clarity.
So then my energy, too, is all congested in my pelvic region, where it’s keeping me so turned on it’s like, “oh, God,” it’s like a dam. It’s about to burst. I’ve got to do something to release this because it’s blocked this way. So I’m going to try to have sex to release it the other way.
But when it can flow smoothly, then it’s like evenly distributed, is dissipated throughout my body and then I’m not feeling these overwhelming, uncontrolled urges that are not serving me, that are maybe making me choose fuckboys or fuckgirls or make decisions that I shouldn’t be making and choosing partners I shouldn’t be choosing. And then whenever it’s fully flowing, then I have more intuition and I’m just like, “okay, just because that looks good for me doesn’t mean that it is good for me.”
And in the past, being a nurse, I was like, “okay, if I choose a lover, I’m going to make sure they have STD check testing and we’re going to use condoms,” etc, etc. But with Tantra I started to understand the energy and how we have the energy field of our aura. And the heart chakra, when it’s open, it expands around us an energy field of almost six feet around us. So when we walk in a room, we can shift the energy of that room. It’s so powerful.
And so if I’m choosing a lover, and if they’re really wounded, if they are very operating from ego, if they are full of anger and rage, let’s say even on the date, for example, on the way to see me they’re road raging, they’re screaming and yelling at someone. But I don’t know that because when they come and see me, I’m meeting their representative. They’re acting like everything’s cool because they want to get in bed with me. So they’re wearing a mask and pretending and trying to groom themselves, have a status symbol, everything on the outside looking good, but are they doing the inner work?
So then whenever you’re with someone and if their energies are off, you’re taking their negative energy into your most sacred space. So the next day after a hookup you can feel like “I don’t know why feel a little sad or a little more agitated today or frustrated. I don’t know why I’m feeling this way.” Or are feeling insecure. It’s probably that you picked up on some energies from that lover you’re with.
So when I started learning this energy, I was like, “oh wait, I can’t put a body condom on someone and protect myself from their bad energy” and this isn’t a place for you. This is an awareness so you can exercise the power of your choice, and be like, “okay, you know, now I don’t want to be with anyone as a lover unless I would want to be like that person. And I want to take the time to see howthey live their lives.” What is their self care like, do they meditate? You know, how do they treat other people? How do they move through the world? And I want to know that before I’m going to be intimate with them and allow them to share that with me.
So knowing your sexual energy and knowing how to optimize energy in your chakras can one, improve your health, and two, it improves how you show up in the world, it increases your magnetism, your confidence and your auric field, your energy field. And you know, you can notice someone when they walk in the room and they’re very confident or they just seem to have a really good vibe. You feel really comfortable around them. That’s because they’ve been working on their energy and they’re just showing up in a different way.
Mm hmm. That’s so interesting. And it makes sense how you explained it with kind of like cycling in the hamster wheel in your lower energy chakras, and then kind of like the release and full body of the upper ones because I feel like I had a similar experience like throughout my life, kind of rotating within those lower chakras, with just releasing, getting that sexual feeling. And then like with my husband, we’ve now taken things to a different level and I feel like it’s because we’re like more vulnerable with each other, more connected with each other.
And in hearing everything you’re saying like having that energy really flowing and we’re able to kind of pull back the curtains and open up and have the energy flow. And there has been times where I’ve like felt light coming out of my head, which is weird, but you get it, especially with what you’re explaining. And at the time, like, what was that and that was amazing and we need more of this and hearing you explain all the chakras kind of makes sense to that experience.
Yes, and another thing too that I do with my clients is doing an energy cord removal, like a toxic soul tie. So if you have a past lover, you can have these energy cords that are attached to you. And so I’ll do something to clear that so you’re reclaiming your energy field and you’re letting that go. So it’s a really powerful practice. My clients have had amazing results with it.
And you know, they just feel so much freedom and such deep healing because there was just still something lingering or that person would keep trying to circle around them or was impacting their current relationships. And just clearing that space and reclaiming your energy because that energy no longer serves you. So that’s like a chord removal that I do with my clients. It’s so powerful.
And with the chakras I used to think, with sex, I used to feel like – I would make a joke. I would interview men, if I wanted to hook up with them, and we’d have a conversation and I’d be like, “oh, what’s your favorite sexual position?” This is before Tantra, right? And they would share with me and then they would ask me my favorite position just in a joking way. I would say “oh, I just like missionary position, lights off, no talking,” just being sarcastic, right? And I’ve just felt missionary position was so boring.
And we learn a lot – I started looking at my mom’s Cosmo magazines when I was seven – and everything’s about “do this position, do that position,” and we get so performance focused in sex. And so it’s like the gimmicks and the gymnastics of sex, right? And then I had a lover that, he had learned how to have, you know, non ejaculatory orgasms and we had been fooling around for about a year. And then he started becoming more like vegan – and I’m not saying anything that people have be vegan, but for males that eat a lot of meat, a lot of your energy stays digesting the food in your gut. And so your energy doesn’t flow as much as freely, right?
So he had stopped eating meat. He was meditating more and then at the same time, I was doing my studies to become a Tantra teacher, my Tantra certification. And we had had really great sex and we were able to have sex for five hours at a time. And then when we started doing our other inner work and meditation and breathwork, which was optimizing our chakras even more, then all of a sudden when I was with him, one time we were doing missionary position, and it was so amazing. It was completely different than missionary I had ever experienced before.
And all of a sudden he just ejaculated, and I had like the most intense orgasm and I remember him just like kind of leaping from the bed and then just shaking his head because he could always control when he would ejaculate. And it was almost like, “WTF like how did that just happen?” Like never happens. And I was kind of stumped. I was just like, wow, I mean, I wasn’t disappointed, but I think he was because he was used to having that self control.
And then we noticed really quickly like every time if we would do missionary, boom like we would both – it became the most powerful position for us, the most pleasure-filled potent position for us. And then I thought about it, and I was on a meditation, and I was like, “oh, I see what’s happened here.” What’s happening is that when we’re like this and we’re laying together, our chakras are lining up, like my third eye with his, our chakras are lining up and that energy is there, and it’s making the energy surge through us faster. And that’s bringing us these deeper orgasms.
And so then we’re like, “alright, we love the missionary position now, but we’ll save it for last when we’re ready to be done.” And so it was just such a beautiful awareness. And so I can see why back in the day missionary position was such a thing, because when you’re able to have intimacy and your energy centres are flowing, it can be so beautiful. But we’ve stepped away from the power of that by doing these other kinds of acrobats in the bedroom – and not to put shame on those things, those are fun too, but just to be aware of the power of some of those things. Like when we go back to the basics, where there’s sacred sexuality, how powerful that can be in our bodies and in our lives.
Yes, and it makes sense why that might not have been as enjoyable before because not as in tune with that energy flow when there’s more kind of like friction and resistance and not necessarily kind of coming together.
Love it. Okay, so for people that are interested in all of this what are different ways they can start incorporating more tantric practices for either self-love or with their partners?
Great question. A white Tantra practice is meditation. And, you know, again, our brain is our largest sex organ. So the longer you can stay in a meditative state, the more easy it’s going to be for you to orgasm. The longer a male can stay in a meditative state, the longer he’ll be able to last in bed. So that’s one of the foundational practices because so often, if you think about it, you’re in your monkey mind and it’s having you think of what you’re doing for the kids tomorrow, the laundry list of things you didn’t get done, the dirty laundry in the corner, or we’re self-conscious about what our body looks like, or we’re overthinking. And when we’re overthinking we’re under feeling.
And with Tantra, what Tantra helps you with, too, is to drop from your logical overthinking mind into your body. And connecting to your body through your five senses. And so what you’re going to do then is the meditative practice that will help you feel more sensation in your body.
Another white Tantra practice is breathing and breath work practices. Now, I don’t want to encourage you that you have to do a specific breath work or Breath of Fire – I teach these things to my clients, but even just knowing to breathe deeply. And you’re gonna think, you know, the chakra system, the inside they say – and Hindu is the sushumna nadi, which is the inner flute, which is the channel where these chakras are lined up.
But just for simplicity, I want you to imagine that from your pussy – and in Tantra, it’s called Yoni, your sacred space – that from there, you have a straw and that you’re just breathing deep. The pleasure that you’re starting to feel, breathe it very deeply in your body, all the way to the top of your head. Breathing it up, a nice deep breath, exhale, like a waterfall let it drop down.
And allow yourself to stay with your pleasure for a long time and edge. Instead of just saying, “oh, I know how to get from point A to point B. I’m just gonna rub one out real quick. I got a ton of things to do.” Schedule a time to have an extended pleasure session. And so then stay where maybe like on a pleasure scale, zero is not turned on at all, ten is you’re having an orgasm, stay between a five to a seven. A little bit of time at a seven and then going back to five because seven can quickly go to eight, nine, ten.
So you kind of titrate it, it’s a pendulum, you’re going to be going back and forth at this pleasure and then continue to breathe it through your body. And so that’s going to be so deeply healing and it’s going to change how you experience pleasure. You’ll feel more pleasure.
The other thing with that is to use breath, even with your partner and yourself. that deep breathing helps you have better orgasms. I want you to imagine that if you have a candle, the flame on the candle, the flicker. If we take the oxygen away, the the flicker goes out. Same with the desire, same with our orgasms. I remember in the past there were times that I was just on the verge of having an intense orgasm, it was just right there, and then all of a sudden it just escaped me. I was like, “where did that go? I can feel in my body this was gonna be a big one. Where did it go?”
But so often, subconsciously, we’re not aware we start to hold tension in our a body. And that’s constricting things, it’s also constricting the blood flow to our sex organs, and we hold our breath, and we’re decreasing the amount of oxygenation to our sex organs. So if we breathe deeply, we’re actually breathing life into the pleasure. So when you’re at a point with a lover, or you’re on your own, and you’re starting to feel like you have an orgasm. Just notice yourself, pay attention. And just encourage yourself, remind yourself, to take some really deep breaths in that moment, and that’s going to be really powerful and it’s going to enhance your orgasms. So those are just some practices to begin.
Yeah, those are fantastic. Breathing is such a powerful tool and so maybe that’s kind of played a part with the different places my husband and I have taken things, is because I have been so focused on breathing as a technique to grounding and really getting into your body, right? So it makes sense how it works in that space as well.
It’s so beautiful. Yes, yes. I love that.
Yeah. Katie from Clit Talk actually taught us straw breathing and how that can work really well for an edging practice.
Oh my goodness, when was this?
I interviewed her back in the fall, December. And it was funny, our members were talking about – or one person in particular that I remember, was in Costco listening to the episode and started doing her straw breathing. And she was like, “I’m all tingly in Costco. This is a fantastic episode.”
Well, actually, I had my episode on Clit Talk before then, it was recorded. So I had talked to her about the straw breathing and orgasms too. So I’m loving that that was community shared.
We’ve come full circle! And then I saw that you were on Clit Talk and that’s why you’re here today.
Yes. And then the other thing, too, is invite – when you’re playing with your five senses, even when you’re eating. You can eat Tantrically as a way of life, like savor the food, be slow with it. Enjoy the texture of it, the sight of it, start using your five senses with things and it can change the way you start living your life.
Yes, absolutely. Well, I love that, that’s such a good note to end things on. Do you have any last thoughts or tips or resources you want to share before we sign off?
Oh yes, I would just love to connect with anyone that would like to learn more. I have more information on my website, which is YesTantra.com. If you feel like you would want some one-on-one coaching or join my group program, you can request a complimentary 30-minute discovery call with me so we can dive deeper, see maybe what blocks you have or what you’re wanting to experience. And during that call, we can just create a plan for you which of my programs will best support you.
And then I also have online courses and replays. I have a female pleasure masterclass going over the nine plus types of female orgasms.
Yes, there’s over nine types. And I share that from the wisdom of being – I have diagrams showing the anatomy of these things because of my background as a registered nurse, and then other Tantra aspects of it, and then some other sex tips. And this is a great masterclass for both males and females to watch, and I give some oral sex tips too.
And I have a male stamina masterclass that you could share with a lover. And I have an amazing 12 days of self love ebook. That’s a great way to start. And I have a six week course that’s intro to Tantra: tools for transformation. You can go at your own pace, and if you’re not quite ready to be coached by me, you have these modules that you go through where I teach things that I’m teaching my clients when we start first working together and building that foundation. And then you have lifetime access to this and go at your own pace.
So I have some resources there and then I have videos on YouTube, so lots lots of goodies there. And then I think, too, I shared some links with you on I have an audio where you can get some more tips on how to have better Female Orgasms. And perhaps you could share the link to that here in the show notes and then your listeners can have that as a free resource as well.
Absolutely, yeah, we will have all of those links. So it’s really easy access for people to explore all the different things you have to offer. Wow, do you have a lot to offer! I’m going to have to explore even more and take a look at that, maybe that foundations class.
Yeah, it’s really powerful. I love it. And I just want more people to have the access to this information because this is how I began my healing and I changed my life. And my adult daughter – unfortunately, I didn’t discover Tantra until my children were adults, but it made me a better parent, and my older daughter reflected back recently and she was like, “you know, I remember you would read a bunch of self help books,” when I was trying to get over my trauma that I had with my mom and the mother wound. And she was just like, “for a bit while you read the book, there’d be a little bit of a change but then it would be back to the same thing and you’d be grabbing another book.”
We think knowledge is power. But if we’re just keeping the knowledge and reciting facts in our logical mind, and we don’t drop it into our body and have tools to start moving and dealing with our emotions and things like that and start being in a different way, we’re kind of missing the point. And she was like “it wasn’t until you started Tantra that I started to see that change in you,” and we’ve had so much healing because I’m having a better relationship with myself through self love. And relationships are just a reflection of the relationship you have with yourself. So all of your relationships will thrive, from friendships, romantic partners, relatives, children.
And I wish that I had known these things when my children were littler and smaller because I would have just been able to show up for them in such a more beautiful way. I just was limited – we only know what our parents teach us when we first gets kids sometimes. And I had my first child at 19, so I just did not have the tools to give her the things that I wish that I could have. So don’t delay the journey. I wish that I had begun a decade before when I was first curious about it.
Yeah, all right. Well, that’s even more motivation to just jump onto it and do some more discovery. It really seems like an amazing tool for becoming more you, like being more in tune with yourself in your power and your enjoyment and connections.
Yes, yes, it’s all of it. You know, we’re so powerful and when we can let go of shame and we can connect to that power. You know, so life change is a very empowering thing. And you know, we don’t just have to create a human life with our sexual energy, we can create the life our heart desires. So if you think that my sexual energy brought me into existence, if you want to hit a reset button on your life, why not tap into the energy that brought you here to begin with and recreate a new life for yourself?
Love that. That’s perfect. Well, thank you so much for taking the time to be here. It’s been an absolute pleasure chatting with you today. And hopefully we can chat more. I love this.
Me too. Me too. Thanks for having me here. And I look forward to connecting with your listeners. And thanks again for spending your time with us today because I know your time is valuable and I appreciate you be open to this new information.
Yeah, thank you and we’ll make sure everything’s linked so it’s really easy for people to explore. And for those listening, thank you for being along with this conversation journey with us. You can head over to the Facebook group or group chat and we can dig into this a little bit more and hear your different takeaways and things that you want to explore more. So until next time, take care!
Thanks for listening this week! If you want to chat about this episode with me and other moms, check out the exclusive UM Club Facebook page! Thanks again, and we’ll see you next week!